Triticum Guzzler

Israeli tourism - Jack encounters a Mossad agent doing nefarious jew things, but foils them and has them arrested. However, as the UK has an extradition treaty with Israel the Mossad agent keeps repeatedly saying "Jerusalem is lovely this time of year". So much so that Jack asks his backup team to do some research, and sure enough Jerusalem is lovely this time of year. Further, the Israeli government has offered production support in the form of as many young Palestinian men as we need and guns to shoot them with.


Twistys Rapture

Believing in a Judeo-Christian God: Everyone in America seems to believe in God, and that's because of the church's great marketing program. In this 24 episode. Jack talks about how his belief in God is strengthened by yelling, shooting and torturing people. Watch 24 on FOX because God is real.


Triticum Guzzler

Being gay - Being gay is big in Britain, being gay is an official sponsor of the Premier League for example. At the very start of the opening episode, Jack will have to do some gay stuff as part of his cover. Several hours later, he does gay stuff to make sure he doesn't enjoy it. He doesn't. But an hour later he tries it again just to make sure he has the stomach for it if he needs to maintain his cover. Later, Jack must protect a group of MPs (Members of Parliament, all of whom are gay by law) who thank him by being gay with him.

the midseason "JACK. OFF." event has the terrorists strike a bargain for info, by forcing bauer to visit a yet to be announced sponsoring gay porn site and jack off to completion to several of the really good, reasonably priced gay sex videos.


no they will not

[at tied up terrorist, with colleague gently waterboarding a suspect] ...Perfect. [Turns to camera] Oh, hi. I'm Jack Bauer. I'm a Counter Terrorist Unit agent. I've got a lot of things to do during the day. So something like [screaming at suspect] BEING BEATEN WITH A CLUB, PEPPER SPRAYED, AND TASED!![regular voice] would really slow me down. So that's why I carry, the ACLU card.



Anime Sandwich

24 terrorists will be hidden around the country, and with only a few cryptic clues it will be up to you to locate a terrorist and extract one of 24 unique secret codes through brutal torture techniques, redeemable for a signed and offical Jack Baur messenger bag.


Triticum Guzzler

We've been trying to think of creative ways of editing out or around the Gangnam Style episode, unfortunately Jack was doing the dance to take the bullet for the President, who addressed him as "hey sexy lady", and Kiefer is too busy being an alcoholic and working on Mortal Kombat for reshoots. We're lashed to the mast on this one.

Thanks to Palpek for the images! You can e-mail him here to suggest SA Photoshop themes!

– FYAD (@g0m)

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.