City of Glompton
Good morning Blexter, did you know the heat death of the universe is a plausible ultimate fate of the universe, in which the universe has diminished to a state of no thermodynamic free energy, and therefore can no longer sustain processes that increase entropy?
*pauses* Oh hey, nice begonias, those are lovely!
Yeah it is getting a little long, huh. Well I'll get on it soon, have a few things to get done first tho
*installs locking mailbox*
*installs extra deadbolts*
*begins moving extremely nondescript packages into the house*
50 years ago: hey neighbor, can i borrow a cup of sugar? god bless
today: hey there neighbor, give me some sugar, sexually. we're an amoral generation. it's like we live on a cum-de-sac, am i right. i will see you tonight at the secret rally, where we will take turns dumping cups of sugar on the national flag, and pictures of our forefathers
*Spends days contemplating how to bring up the idea of having a regular Neighborhood Key Party at the next Summer Block Party*
say do any of you folks wonder who's making that clanging racket at all hours? geez it sounds like someone is starting an illegal blacksmithing business. it's so weird, it sounds like it's coming from my garage sometimes, must be some trick of acoustics. anyway just wondering whether you folks have any leads or were contemplating legal action or anything like that. oh and also curious if any of you need anything made out of chainmail, I know a guy.
City of Glompton
*purchases meticulously detailed vinyl sticker that looks like a garage interior and affixes it to garage door to own grouchy neighbor*
*self-owns by driving thru sticker-covered garage door because it looks like it's open*
The neighborhood pets have long since died of heatstroke, their bones bleaching in the unforgiving sunlight. Travelers from distant neighborhoods tell fables of the rain that is "coming tomorrow". Tomorrow never comes.
GODSPEED JOHN GLENN
neighbor: "If you want my advice, I say nuke 'em 'til they glow and then shoot 'em in the dark."
me, visibly enthralled with the idea: "Yes, especially the animals and children!"
C'mon Bill, you know i'm on my own in this place, that's why I took the old tire swing off the pepper tree when I moved in. Yeah it is a lot of room for one person, that's part of why I got it. Yeah good talking to you, I got some stuff to take care of real quick.
*sounds of what must be nails being hammered into hardwood floors starts and continues for hours*
In a distant time, a group of space explorers from a distant world land on a planet, barren and dead, devoid of all but scorched rock and dust. Long ago, perhaps life flourished on this rock, but now it is forsaken by all but the unforgiving onslaught of the brutal star it orbits, like an abusive spouse assaulting the one who has become too dependent and afraid to leave. The explorers attempt to find anything of value, any sign of a time long past that may point to what went wrong, but their attempt is in vain.
The only thing here is heat, and a hellcat melted to the ground.
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Hey, friends! Steve Mnuchin is taking a trip to the money. Let's go with him!
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.