|Sex sells. Its allure and excitement drives us to do wonderful, awful, unforgettable things. Marketers know that if they can harness its incredible power, they can get us to buy dumb shit we don't need. They know that making us feel like we're dry humping a drunken coed in college again somehow makes us want to buy overpriced deodorant, razors, and cheeseburgers.|
Normally, these marketers try to make you remember what it was like for you to have sex. But the Canadian Club Whiskey Company has hit upon a new idea that is sure to stimulate the wallets and the gag reflexes of decent people everywhere: to make you think about your parents having sex. Perhaps they are under the impression that if they remind you what it was like to hear the sound of wet meat being slapped against a concrete escarpment over and over again through the thin wall separating your bedrooms in a tiny shitbox apartment in Avondale you will want nothing more than to drink all the whiskey you can get your quaking hands on.
Not content with merely engendering a sense of unprecedented revulsion in the minds of millions, the Canadian Club Whiskey Company is following in the footsteps of exploitative Web 2.0 companies everywhere and crowdsourcing these sex ads to the masses by uploading templates and letting users create their own ads. The forum goons caught wind of this and had a go at digitally recreating the root of their Oedipal complexes. Enjoy!
Here in Canada, and perhaps in other markets, Canadian Club Whisky has been running an ad campaign relying on the premise that your Dad used to fuck a lot of girls. I'm not a marketing wizard, but I've always been under the impression that the less you make a consumer think about their parents fucking, the more likely they will buy your product.
Either way, the ads are all about being less of a modern sensitive pussy, and more of a tough dude like your old pop, I guess.
Here is their original right here:
They've put an ad-generator on their website, where you can upload one of your own photos. There are three templates to work with. What can you come up with?
I love the one that's something like "Your dad had a van for a reason." Yeah, they probably mean a Shaggin' Wagon but nowadays that makes it sound like he was a pedophile or a sniper.
Mine was both. I hate my father. Fuck Canadian Club.
When I try to clear the ball, run into me at a thousand miles per hour, sending me flying halfway across the map. If the ball is coming down in front of the opposing goal and I'm in position to tap it in, run into me at a thousand miles per hour. Never stop slamming into me at a thousand miles per hour, unless you can slam into me even faster.
eSports are getting more attention, but these new non-nerd spectators have no idea what's going happening. Help them understand how and why you've decided to waste your life with these simple approaches.
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