It's hard being a loner geek. Trust me, I know. You sit at home and drink a bottle of wine on a Saturday night, watching The Cable Guy for the twentieth time. Have you ever wanted someone to talk to about the happenings of your day? The woes in your life? Or maybe just to share jokes about Jim Carrey's acting? Sigh no more. The Something Awful Forum Goons found a place for chatting with strangers around the clock, so they're never bored.
You: Say hi!
Stranger: hey wanna cyber
You: I take out my large black phallus, and stroke it gently
You: 23, male, your cunt
You: or anus if you prefer
Stranger: fuck me in the ass
Stranger: i'm 18 female your dick i supposee
Stranger: how big
You: I take my enormous 15 inch long black cock and push it gently against your trembling cunt
You: I groan
You: I groan again
You: I take out a shiny skinning knife and slic off your left nipple
Stranger: i want you to fuck me in the mouth with it
You: your blood, it tastes so good
Stranger: make me choke
You: I ram my penis so hard that it punches through your abdominal muscles
Stranger: choke me with your hands and ur cock in my mouth
You: I start jerking off my cock as it protrudes from your abdomen
You: I cum on your still twitching body
You: You're dead, bitch
You have disconnected.
Stranger: Hi, I'm looking for a 43 year old woman from the Netherlands, is that you?
You: YES! it is
You: I'm totally from the netherlands
You: and I'm totally 43
You: what are the odds
Stranger: And you have a vagina?
You: the biggest you've ever seen
Stranger: I lol'd
Stranger: Let's cyber
Stranger: I'll be a 15 year old boy
Stranger: You'll be my stepmom
Stranger: Cleaning the living room while I watch TV
You: so, go do your fucking homework and turn off the fucking TV!
Stranger: Something's under the couch, you go down on all fours and reach under
You: YOU HAVE PORN THERE?! What the fuck?!
Stranger: Your face gets really close to my nether regions and I get "excited"
You: is this how we raised you!?
Stranger: YOU DIDNT RAISE ME
Stranger: YOURE NOT MY REAL MOM
You: Go to your fucking room or I'm telling your father
Stranger: YOURE JUST SOME GOLD DIGGING WHORE WHO FUCKS MY DAD
Stranger: AND TAKES HIS MONEY
You: and You know how he gets when he drinks! He's going to fuck you up
Stranger: HE WONT IF YOU DONT TELL
You: I'll tell him, you've been a fucking bad boy
You: I'll waterboard your ass
Stranger: YOU WANT TO TEACH ME A LESSON?
Stranger: TAKE CARE OF THIS BONER, BITCH
You: OH MY FUCKING GOD! You're a rapist!
You: I'm going to get the shotgun!
You: So, I moan excitedly as I shoot you in the balls
You: you're bleeding
Stranger: I COME
You: ... and you're dead
Stranger: AND THEN BLEED
Stranger: TO DEATH
Stranger: I HEARD YOU LIEK MUDKIPZ THOUGH
You: Oh shit... the dog is so humping your leg now
Stranger: AND YOURE PARTIAL TO SHOOPING WOOPS AND LOSING GAMES
Stranger: i love you so much
Stranger: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.