The government has been hiring corporate consultants to come in and tell us what we can do to improve morale and efficiency. We have had to sit through meetings (meanwhile not getting any of our real work done) while our managers parrot buzzword-laden pre-fab analysis documents telling us that we can improve our agency through "leveraged stakeholdering."
I wish I could get a job doing buzzword mad-libs and selling the results to high-paying and completely ignorant clients. Er, I mean "stakeholderists."
Apparently the company I work for aspires to be a vagrant, they keep going on about "our journey" and "our story".
I hate that word. You can never talk to anyone, or have a chat with anyone here, you always have to fucking liaise with them.
It makes it sound like I have to take them out to a dimly lit cocktail bar with sleazy sounding saxophone background music.
It really bothers me how every e-mail I ever receive that is remotely academic or business in nature ends with "Best Regards, X" For some reason "Best Regards" just sounds really pretentious. What ever happened to sincerely?
I have this one professor who ends every e-mail with "Best wishes for you and your family's health and happiness" which is pretty awesome though.
BANDWIDTH IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE EUPHEMISM FOR FREE TIME YOU OVERENTHUSIASTIC BALDING FUCKS
You know what it is? It's fucking computers. Computers! Middle-management is generally comprised of people from an older generation, so they figure they'll be hip like the young guys working for them if they use computer lingo. The trouble is that they misuse absolutely every term they hear and invent new ones to sound like they're "with it" on the whole computer thing. See "E-Blast" for what I mean.
Corporate verbal is not as bad as corporate memo language. I had to gather information on some client companies, most of which involved figuring out their industry code. When I couldn't find it on a database I would have to go to the companies website and figure it out by looking at mission statements and all of that other stuff. It made me want to shoot myself.
A simple sentence like "We produce and sell high quality medical equipment" turned into something like "Our goal is to strategize with the most high tech manufacturing process in order to enable clients the best leveraging capability across all platforms of production. Synergizing the top down process for superior quality and team work results in a superior product to our competitors along with a motivated team who rationalizes and globalizes our processes ensuring satisfaction".
There was on that was so bad I actually had to e-mail them and ask what the fuck they did in plain English since even my experienced corporate vocabulary couldn't make sense of it.
I just walked by a meeting room that had a sheet of paper posted on the door with the following: "Integrity Selling Certification!"
Now please excuse me while I proactively leverage the assistance provided by my local certified integrity salesperson.
I don't ride to an IED and blow it up or disarm it.
I "maneuver" to the "incident site" to "reduce" the "item" and "emplace and man SKTs" to prevent the "reseeding" of the "item."
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.