Email to AXE/LYNX
I write to you now with a major friggin problem, I am locked in a building with hundreds, maybe thousands of women outside, watching me, screaming at me, waiting for me....
It all started when I saw your "spray more, get more" type adverts around and I mentioned to my friend Oli "dude that’s such a load of junk, I bet you could spray as much as you wanted on and it would have no effect at all psssshhhh". As I look back on this now I realise the horrific irony and danger that this one sentence caused. You see from there Oli challenged me to put my money where my mouth is and prove it, and thus I did.
On payday I bought 4 cans of Lynx, two for each arm pit and proceeded to apply them, liberally, all over my self until I had used all of the lynx, I then passed out from the fumes as soon as I took the gas mask off. This was not cool.
2 days later when I came round the smell had worn off a bit, however my front room still reeked of the stuff. I left my house to meet my friends down the pub and at first the cloud of lynx that surrounded me seemed to put women off, however as the wind blew (as it tends to here in breezy November) the cloud dissipated and the women started coming. At first it was just 2 or 3, but as I entered the pub to meet some friends I was suddenly surged by women, some even clawing others out of the way to talk to me. Realising the dangers I tried to get out of the pub but was blocked in, as I went to leave out the back door, I started at a light jog down the slope to the wheel chair friendly door and suddenly the door to the ladies was flung open and a rather large woman (who seemed excitable) came running at me. She must have tripped or something but suddenly she was rolling at me down the slope. Picture if you Indiana Jones running from a boulder and you have an idea of my situation.
Upon exiting the pub with my "door wedge in place" I ran like a crazed man as more and more women picked up my trail. Like a ghetto pimp version of the pied pipe of Hamlet I ran with them chasing me to my place of work (where I am luckily a key holder), locked and bolted the door and closed all the windows, and thus I have sat here, for 3 days now.
Thanks a lot Lynx, now women are looking to tear me to pieces, my front room stinks of lynx and will for the rest of my life and I am going to be arrested for breaking into our (rather badly stocked) vending machine to get some food, so thanks then.. I hope your happy with yourselves.
P.S. Can I have a few cans more for the Christmas holiday?
Email From AXE/LYNX
Thank you for your recent cry for help. If you are really scared, I would get in the shower and have a really good scrub. Don't use the Lynx Shower Gel because all of the women will still smell it and it won't help.
If you can't get access to a shower, I would find a toilet with a sink and strip off and have a wash that way. Use Dove if you can because it doesn't attract women. Also, make sure you lock the door in the toilet and don't let any of the women see you go in because if they see you getting naked, you could cause a riot.
So Dan, good luck and send me your address and I will send you some vouchers if you promise not to over do it on the Lynx again.
If I don't hear from you before I go home (4:30), I will assume you have been caught by the women so let me know how you get on.
Email From Me
You must be some kind of godsend so first of all apologies for the late email back, sadly I lost one of my favourite t-shirts to the ordeal as it still smelt of Lynx when it was yanked out the window by one of the ravenous mob, last I saw she was running off sniffing it and laughing maniacally. On to the good news mind, last night I received your email and went to work down in one of the stalls and luckily we have Dove soap down there (well did, I kind of ruined our bar of soap), I scrubbed and scrubbed until I could scrub no more, my left arm pit is very tender and I think my right one bled a bit but it was worth it. As I got my dressed again I opened a window and let my lynx free smell permeate and it seemed to do the trick as one by one they seemed to snap out of their lynx induced zombie state and all seemed to take stock of their surroundings and then all at once they all left quietly. It was a very surreal scene, and one I was tempted to draw for you in MS Paint (I can still if you want??) just to do justice to it.
Anyway thanks for your offer of vouchers, I shall take you up on your most generous offer (if it is still open, as being as you are a woman I can't tell if it was inspired through an image of the deodorised mist you knew to be around me), my address is as below:
I also ask (very presumptuous I know) if possible to send something for a bar of dove as work are a bit miffed that I stole their soap for this (not to mention the property damage and other people who were not allowed home to their families for a number of days) so I figure as an act of attrition on my/our part we should sort them out with a bar of soap, if that's ok?
My final request Lisa is that you put some sort of pass out and get mobbed type warning on all Lynx to advise that if you do spray that much on yourself you will have to endure that wrath of the gods (of Lynx'd up women?), as after this I myself will be doing a few tours on the lecture circuit to advise of the dangers involved there in.
Many thanks again
Email From AXE/LYNX
Thank you for getting back to me. I am glad your OK, but shame about your T-shirt.
As promised I have sent you some vouchers to spend on any Unilever product you like. I suggest, that if you buy Lynx then buy some Dove spray too to mask the smell if it all gets out of hand again.
Also, a picture would be great if you still want to send it.
Take Care Dan!
Email From Me
You're rocking my world right now with the Unilever hospitality.
I have attached said pictures, which are as below, I sent in Jpeg format so that my experience does not take too long to download.
Picture 1 - this shows me getting mobbed as I left the pub, this was taken by a friend who did nothing to help me in my time of need, you will see me atop the podium sort of thing with my Lynx "Aura" surrounding me (some how picked up on camera). Now you may notice the portable toilets, I have no idea what was going on here.
Picture 2 - this is one my friend Andy took on his mobile out of the window showing the huge mob with their banners (which was a serious what the hell moment) waiting outside for us, Andy's obviously a fairly good photographer. Oh and the international flags up there... all I can think is that maybe my Lynx'ee aura crossed the channel as I am near Portsmouth which has ferries to France.
Picture 3 - this took place after the women had left and Andy had gone home, in it you can see there is dust settling in the distance as they all trudged off, now I didn't think it looked eerie enough so I added some words in to portray the mood at the time.
Once again I thank you for your time Lisa and hope that people will learn from my mistakes.
Email From AXE/LYNX
Just one last thing before I go, you look totally different to what I expected!
And that's this week's Goldmine! Thanks go out to RadioDan for his great e-mails, and to BMW and AXE/LYNX for having a sense of humor!
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.