We had an emotionally disturbed kid move to my school in 5th grade, his name was Albert. He was obsessed with twinkies. If you did something good or positive, he would give you Twinkie Ticket.
Our school had this program the same year "I Make My Day" where if you did something positive, you got to where your crappy hat that said "I Make My Day" for 30 minutes in lunch on wednesday. Well the teachers kept track on a chart in every class room of what the kids had done positive for the week. From that chart Albert would know who to give the Twinkie Tickets to.
If you got 10 Twinkie Tickets, you got a Pumpkin Ticket. If you got 3 Pumkin Tickets you got I think it was an Apple ticket. If you got 2 Apple Tickets, he would stab you with his pencil.
Yeah he evenatually got sent to a school for "special" kids
When I was in 4th or 5th grade I always ate lunch with the same group of girls. One of them liked to 'collect' samples of food and juice/milk to mash up in her plastic sandwich baggy. We always gave her food and would watch as she mixed it into a concoction that would always end up looking like puke. Sometimes we even made light of it, guessing what color it would be.
One day, I guess, all the mixing paid off - she must have made the right combination or something because, instead of just putting it inside the paper bag and discarding it, she gets up from the table and pours the puke mixture into the trash can. She then goes to the lunchtime aide and informs her that she just threw up in the trash can. Aide inspects said trash can, sees what appears to be puke, and the girl is sent home for the rest of the day. After that, the mixing stopped.
Also, in second grade my friend and I made fun of this kid named Orin because he had such a funny name. For whatever reason he would sit across from us at lunch and we would just berate him, laughing at his stupid football themed lunchpail and just being mean girls. I don't know why we did it, either, or why Orin kept hanging around us.
This friend and I had our falling out; in HS I learned that she was a huge slut and I think she makes porn now.
This thread reminded me of some great stories from my childhood. I grew up in Germany and went to an international private school for K-3rd grade. This particular school covered a massive area and so the bus ride was a good hour long. Also the school used whatever busses they could find and our busdrivers were completely unrelated to the school itself. Because of our particularly long bus ride a lot of cliques and such were centered around which bus you rode. My particular bus was usually an older city bus driven by an assortment of old angry german men. My bus also had a particularly strange group of kids on it.
First was Masahiro(No idea how to actually spell his name). This kid was in kindergarten at the time I remember him best. He was a small japanese kid who barely spoke english. Besides the fact that one of our busdrivers loved to pick up Masahiro shouting as loud as he could," MASA-HEEEEROOOOO" and running back and forth on the bus while Masahiro put his hands out superman style. Masahiro loved paper, and I mean LOVED paper. He would eat his breakfast on the bus and when he was done with the meal he would come to his favorite part, the paper plate. He would eat anything made of paper, plates, magazines, he once ate a small book over the course of a few weeks. Because of this it was the busses favorite pastime to see what kinds of things you could get him to eat. I know one of the older kids asked him to eat the book. Rene, the star of the next story, once got him to eat a piece of paper in less than 20 seconds. In return he gave Masahiro some gasoline in a little glass bottle. Besides his one quirk Masahiro really was a pretty cool kid and otherwise sat in his seat up front minding his own business and eating his delicious, delicious paper.
Another one of my favorite kids was Rene. Rene was a brazilian kid about 3 years older than me. Besides this Rene was the bus' resident pyro. He would go to the park and light tennis balls on fire and often tried to burn the woods down(Never succeeded). I'm pretty sure he brought a home-made bomb on the bus one day, I'm not sure thats just what he told me it was, I was only in first grade at the time it's not like I could tell. I remember once we were in the back of the bus and pulled out his pencil case. From inside he reverently pulled a small container of something, he showed us a label on the back, "Highly Flammable." He then opened it up poured it in the aisle and lit it. Let's just say the bus came to a sudden stop and many an eyebrow was singed. The busdriver of the day stormed into the back and began freaking out in German. AS usual no one gave a damn about the busdriver because no one knew what he was saying. He stalked back up front and for the rest of the busride swerved angrily across all lanes of traffic in what I assume was an attempt to kill all of us. Yea, our busdrivers were wierd, I've got a lot of stories about them but they're not really the point of this thread.
In 3rd grade, a student pulled a knife on a teacher in my class, but I can't remember why he did it. I think he was just insane, he had done all sorts of odd things like skip school for a week without anyone knowing, even his parents. We had another kid who climbed the school chainlink fence at recess and starting running while students cheered his name. He didn't make all the way home though, he was caught and was held back a year.
4th grade was a little more interesting. There was this girl who sat next to me, who was the meanest and ugliest girl in our grade. I really tried to be nice to her, but she was so mean that it was impossible to be friends with her. She asked out every boy in the class to "go out with her", but none of them said "yes" and only teased her. Then she snapped and had a mental breakdown. She asked the teacher if she could talk to the class about herself to help make friends, and for some reason the teacher allowed this.
Her talk consisted of lighting some candles, dancing around the room singing, and reading from a book made for 5 year old about friends. This "presentation" lasted for at least an hour, and she had a really bad speech impediment, which made them even more unbearable. Her "singing" was an odd humming noise that a dying rhino would make, it was awful. Of course, these talks never helped her get any friends, so she talked to us at least 5 times over the course of two weeks and kept trying. During the middle of one of these presentations she had a nervous breakdown, and then she gave up and disappeared into the limelight.
The first thing that comes to mind is Matt, who had some physical problems giving him a slight limp and a learning disability, but he still took classes with everyone else. One day he brought a yo-yo to school and was playing with it during class, so the teacher tried to take it from him. He resisted, got up from his desk, and ran all the way out of the school and we later learned he ran all the way to his house.
There's also my friend Steve, who has no sense of smell (I think it's related to how much his father smokes). Steve also had a betwetting problem up until around the seventh grade. Since he couldn't smell anything he rarely bathed and he would at least twice a week reeking of urine, and he'd never know. Also, he would spontaneously have mini-vomit spasms, where he would spit up random pieces of food while walking around. His sister's pretty hot though.
I also remember the time when we were in some shitty assembly in the cafeteria, and there we all had to sit on the floor and not chairs. We were listening to our elementary school "band" play, so they were really mediocre/quiet. I'm pretty relaxed and out of nowhere some internal combustion goes haywire and a fart just rumbles out of me, shaking my entire lower body and causing a circle twenty kids in radius to turn and look at me. Trying to blame it on the kid next to me (my best friend at the time) really didn't help anything.
I also wanted to be a log when I grew up, because I was realy lazy and really liked ants. Logs get to sit around all day and be covered in ants. And I recently learned that my friend wanted to grow up to be a fire truck.
We had a few crazies at our school. One end of the class we had the insane kids who all sat together and were taught specially by someone. I think there were about 4 in total.
On one occasion we were sat having lunch and one of them said to one of the teachers "Guess what i am!" and started to move his head around loads "Im a washing machine". This happened on many occasions.
I believe the same kids tried to climb into a electricity sub station or something and tried killing himself, he didnt get far up the 20ft fence.
We had two guys who always ran around pretending to be buses and going around picking up people and saying what thier next stop was. The best thing ive heard from this is that one of them is actually becoming a bus driver now. Hes living out his dream.
Also i remember one toilet incident whrere the child of the person who taught the crazies had gone apeshit in there and had smeared crap everywhere in one stall. I remember being horrified at the site when i went to the toilet and saw the sight.
One of the bigger crazies was known to fly off the handle for no reason at all and started throwning punches. My friend had somehow got in the middle of this and started running away and hid behind one of the teachers, the crazy didnt stop and plowed into the teacher and floored her onto concrete.
One last one was a super human feat by the crazy who pretended he was a bus. He didnt want to be in school that day and at lunch he decided the only way to leave was getting over an 8ft wall by running at it as fast as he could, but he could have just gone through the gate. I remember watching him run at this wall, jump up and somehow scramble to the top and drop down the other side. Next things was a teacher running out of the gate and shouting as he went.
I had some quite crazy people at my school thinking about it.....
My favorite story occurred sometime during my childhood. This kid in the grade above me somehow managed to get a rather large wad of rubber erasor. The bathrooms were sectioned off so that it was basically one per every two grades. I remember going to the bathroom during class and seeing in each of the three urinals well-crafted weiners sticking out of them, as if the urinal was going to pee on you. I peed, laughing my ass off, and went back to class. Of course I told the kids around me to go to the bathroom. By the end of class we were all chuckling. Finally, a teacher somehow found out (probably one of those holier than thou kids, since it was a catholic school), and somehow it was discovered that this kid did it. I still chuckle about it every time i use a urinal.
Apparently you do want to be lonely, because you defied the one rule of Farmers Only.
We've found some cool stuff in the woods. Now it's time for you to pinkie swear you won't tell mom and dad.
I highly recommend Windows 10 With Mouse + Keyboard Support Edition
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.