I used to work at a high-class (yet casual atmosphere) seafood restaurant as "bus services," colloquially known as "that fucking bus boy."

This was a waterfront establishment, so you'd have the lucrative and rich driving their 200,000+ dollar boats up to the dock and come up to eat their 200+ dollar meal for two or three. Naturally, having money tends to make people insufferable assholes and better than anyone else. And lets face it, Bus Boy is pretty low on the totem pole at a restaurant.

One particular day during the summer, 40 ft. Sundancer pulls up the the dock reserved for 45 ft. or more Boats and just sits, doing nothing. I'm doing my job clearing tables and making sure the customers are satisified, as well as keeping up with Donna at the bar and making sure the ice machines are filled, when this red-faced baboonesque man stands at the top of the Sundancer and starts screaming obscenities at me. Now, keep in mind, this is a high-class establishment that is usually packed to capacity during the summer; the concept of some dude doing this is unbelievable to the few servers that were milling around.

I don't take well to anger/violence, so I set down my tray and head out to the boat to see what this idiot is causing a scene over.

Him: "Finally, somebody actually wants to take our money and keep this shitty dive afloat!"
*wife/sig. other chuckles at the wildly clever joke that hubby just made at the expense of my place of work*
SDS: "Sir, you're disturbing everyone dining at our establishment with your offensive epithepts. Please refrain, and if you need seating arrangements follow me up to the dockside patio and we'll do our best to serve you."
Him: *guy gets an offended look on his face* "Bring me a menu, right now."

The man breaks out his cell phone and dials a number, chatting with his buddy after the call goes through and promptly ignoring me.
SDS: "Sir, we are not a delivery service, we are an eat-in dining establishment. We have standards, and we do not have the capacity nor the inclination to deliver your food to you, nor bring you a menu beyond our property line. If you'll fol..."
Him: "Listen pissant, I make well over 6 figures annually and personally know Ruth Anne Minner (this is the state of Delaware, she is the Governor). Do what I say and I might even tip you."

He proceeds to clap his hands together in a "chop chop" fashion. This only pisses me off, and that's pretty hard to do because I'm generally a slow-to-anger person.

SDS: "No, either come to the patio and dine or leave. You're taking up space on a section of the dock that the ship you are operating does not accomodate. Choose your options; if you decide against both, I'll have to ask Ralph to speak with you."

Ralph is the owner's son. He was about 30 when I was working there, and he was a fantastic dude who knew a lot about Car Stereos and electrical equipment, and I'd always help him out on E-bay when he needed a guy to just bid on something so it didn't sell low. He was also about 6'5" and pushing 350 pounds easy. You do not fuck with Ralph. Needless to say, the guy doesn't leave or come up from the dock and starts screaming about how I just tried to sexually assault his wife. I turn around and give him an incredulous look, because at that point I'm thinking "What the fuck." I get Ralph and he comes barreling out, really really really fucking pissed because he was helping the Line Chefs with their work since another guy, Walt, had called in sick.

"Get the fuck out," Ralph starts screaming, and just starts untying the ropes that moored the boat to the dock. The guy in the boat starts fuming and looks like he's going to fight Ralph, but Ralph just gives him the most angry and hateful look and pushes the boat off the dock. After copying down the Reg. number of the boat (they're printed on the side), he informs the guy that he is banned from the premises and that he can "get fucked." I feel pretty bad that I never kept up any correspondence with the guy.

After that, it was work like usual, and the Owner gave me an extra 5 bucks tip for acting in an exemplary manner versus improper conduct. I became a server 1 week later and more than tripled my earnings.


Whenever I give cash to a customer I have to ask them what sort of denominations they want their money in. There's about an 80% chance that they will give me a variation of "Anything but pennies" This doesn't sound really bad, but every single one of them says it like:

A)There's a chance I actully will give them $500 in pennies.
B)They are the first person to ever think of saying it.

I just don't understand why it's so hard to say "20s will be fine." I'm going to have to just start giving them rolls of nickles instead.

Also when I say "It will just take me a second." please don't tell me when my second is up. It's a figure of speech and you know it.


When I worked retail at Office Max the TI-83 silver edition graphing calculators just came out. You know, those 100 dollar things you have to buy in like 11th, 12th grade math. Well, this lady comes in and asks why the silver is $139 and the regular is $99. I'm a terrible salesman because I have a hard time lying to people to get them to spend more money on things they don't need. I show her the specs, say it's a little faster, a little more memory, but not much of a difference between the silver edition and regular.

I tell her that a few guys I knew told their parents that they "needed" the silver edition, but that they really didn't and that the guys only wanted it to have more space for TI-83 games and such, but for most people it wasn't necessary to buy the upgrade. At this point she FLIPS and starts yelling at me that I'm a sexist and chauvanist pig, because I somehow assumed that because this lady had a daughter, that she wouldn't be able to "comprehend all the extra functions" of the calculator and that she couldn't understand high level math. I wish I could say I shot back with a great comeback, but since I was already on thin ice for not selling enough warranties (FUCK RETAIL JOBS), I held my tongue.


Can't believe I hopped into this thread so late.

This was at my old job. At my current job I have never, EVER in nearly 8 months had an asshole customer. Other people where I work have and we have had some scammers but other than that prettymuch gold. I'm as happy as a clam.

Anyway old job as a cashier. I'm ringing up this family's groceries/belongings (to classify this family I shall use and ). Ham wife, ham man, two ham lionspawn. I ring up their groceries, not a lot of stuff, and I tell them the total.

"Thirty dollars and sixty four cents sir"

"What?"

"$30.64"

"That doesn't look like thirty dollars worth of groceries to me"

"Well it adds up to thirty dollars."

"How do you know it does? That doesn't look like thirty dollars worth to me, it looks like I should have gotten more."

"Sir the register has a built in calculator, it adds up the price of all your items, it doesn't make mistakes as it's simple math that can be done by hand"

"I want to speak with your manager"

Fortunetly at this job I was a head cashier and I had a really good relationship with my bosses, they would always side with me with asshole customers. They understood fully that it happens because "I want to speak to your manager" is a pretty popular meme with asshole customers, at least where I live, and we got a lot of them oh boy.

So, manager comes over and at first doesn't see the problem. I whisper to her that they dont think they got enough groceries for $30, and she still doesn't quite understand. The man's wife chimes in and goes "This doesn't look like thirty dollars worth of groceries to me either! I want you to add it up again!"

At this point my boss understands and prints out a fake receipt with all the prices for the items on it and a nice total, she then does paper addition (which she was really fast at) to show them that the total is the same as the computer's.

"Your math is wrong, this is not thirty dollars worth of groceries"

She did it again with a pocket calculator.

"I don't believe your math"

At this point customers in line were getting uppity, so she just told them that they could either pay the bill or leave. They left and said "We're never shopping here again, you guys tried to rip us off!"

I think my mind almost exploded from recalling that story.


A while back, I was waiting in line at a Taco Bell. I was next to be served, but before I could begin, a huge couple comes running up from their seats screaming about how they were nearly killed. After they screamed incoherently for a while, the woman behind the counter was able to figure out that the problem was that the woman had found a piece of plastic in her taco. This was a few years ago, so this is only an approximation, but the conversation went something like this:

Crazy Lady: This is fucked up! I woulda' eat this and I woulda' die!
Unfortunate Lady Behind The Counter: I'm sorry Ma'am.
CL: You sorry!? That's it? I'ma sue yo ass!
Crazy Man: Yeah! We gonna sue this place! Fuckin' Taco Bell!
ULBC: May I see the piece of plastic?
CL: Yeah! (throws the thing at the woman) I coulda' choked! If I'd've died, I would haunt your ass!
(Yes, she threatened haunting. More than once)
ULBC: This looks like a cigarette wrapper. Nobody here smokes.
CM: Shut up! We're gonna sue you! I'ma call my lawyer. After a while the couple stormed out. I felt really bad for the lady behind the counter since she was really old and nice. She offered me a free taco, but I figured that it wasn't her fault and I had been thoroughly entertained anyway, so I declined. Never before have I heard an irate customer threaten to haunt somebody. Oh. And while they were still sitting, one of my friends had seen the crazy lady lighting a cigarette.


Blockbuster customers are the worst. Word is out that if you claim a game/movie doesnt work we give you a free rental so people try to abuse it all the time. I made a habit of catching people at this and publicly embarrassing them at a busy store time.

Asshole Customer: "This movie didnt play. I want a free one."
Me: "Really? It says here in your account that this has happened to you several times. Quite a statistical anomaly wouldnt you say?"
AC: What? It doesnt work. Give me a free rental.
Me: Mind if I throw it in the big TV and see if it works?
AC: ...Fine!

(I put it in, it works fine. Public snickering.)

Me: Would you like to return this movie or keep it for the remaining 2 days you have it for?

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.