This happened years ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.
Me: "I need your social security number?"
Customer: "I want yours too."
Me: "I don't give you that, but you need to give yours, so we can get on with your case."
Customer: "Why do I need to give it?"
Me: "So I can identify you."
Customer: "I want to I identify you TOO!"
I was stocking items right by the end of Aisle 7 at Jewel (Illinois place for Albertsons / Acme.)
Some stupid woman: "Where's your Velveeta cheese?"
Me: "Aisle 8"
Me: "Aisle 8, front portion, left side. Your going to see it." *Points right at it.*
Woman: "Thanks, you guys need to turn this racket down, I hate shopping here."
Me: "What racket, we have music on really softly."
Woman: "No, your heating and cooling system is really loud and offensive."
Me: "Aisle 20."
I was loitering around a trade counter in a plumbers merchants when some ruddy faced, hairy oaf stormed in and slammed his fist on the counter and shouted for some assistance.
Shopguy: "Hello. How can I help you"
The oaf swings this heavy plastic box onto the counter, flips the lid and reveals some sort of electrical tool (I didn't see what it was)
Shopguy: "Ok, what seems to be the problem"
Oaf: "This fucking fucker's fucked"
Oaf: "Fucking fucked"
Shopguy: "Ok, one minute"
Shopguy takes the box away and returns with a brand new unit and puts it in front of the guy.
Shopguy: "There you go"
Oaf: "Not fucked?"
Shopguy: "Not fucked"
Oaf: "Fucking great"
And he walked off. Shopguy does a massive rolleyes and puts fixed smile on for the next customer. Bizarre.
Current Paralegal job:
client: "I'm sorry, but can I change my appointment?"
me: "not a problem is tuesday okay for you?"
Cleint: "Sure! Anyway, I'm just feeling awful! Sorry I have to postpone!"
Client: "I have horrible diarrhea and just can't make it in."
me: "...see you tuesday"
I'd also like to add a phone call I got when I worked at an artstore in highschool:
Me:"Hull's Art Supplies and Framing, how may I help you?"
Me:"hi, what can I help you with?"
Weirdo: "do you all have art supplies?"
Me:"... Hull's Art Supplies and Framing, how can I help you?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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