This happened years ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.
Me: "I need your social security number?"
Customer: "I want yours too."
Me: "I don't give you that, but you need to give yours, so we can get on with your case."
Customer: "Why do I need to give it?"
Me: "So I can identify you."
Customer: "I want to I identify you TOO!"
I was stocking items right by the end of Aisle 7 at Jewel (Illinois place for Albertsons / Acme.)
Some stupid woman: "Where's your Velveeta cheese?"
Me: "Aisle 8"
Me: "Aisle 8, front portion, left side. Your going to see it." *Points right at it.*
Woman: "Thanks, you guys need to turn this racket down, I hate shopping here."
Me: "What racket, we have music on really softly."
Woman: "No, your heating and cooling system is really loud and offensive."
Me: "Aisle 20."
I was loitering around a trade counter in a plumbers merchants when some ruddy faced, hairy oaf stormed in and slammed his fist on the counter and shouted for some assistance.
Shopguy: "Hello. How can I help you"
The oaf swings this heavy plastic box onto the counter, flips the lid and reveals some sort of electrical tool (I didn't see what it was)
Shopguy: "Ok, what seems to be the problem"
Oaf: "This fucking fucker's fucked"
Oaf: "Fucking fucked"
Shopguy: "Ok, one minute"
Shopguy takes the box away and returns with a brand new unit and puts it in front of the guy.
Shopguy: "There you go"
Oaf: "Not fucked?"
Shopguy: "Not fucked"
Oaf: "Fucking great"
And he walked off. Shopguy does a massive rolleyes and puts fixed smile on for the next customer. Bizarre.
Current Paralegal job:
client: "I'm sorry, but can I change my appointment?"
me: "not a problem is tuesday okay for you?"
Cleint: "Sure! Anyway, I'm just feeling awful! Sorry I have to postpone!"
Client: "I have horrible diarrhea and just can't make it in."
me: "...see you tuesday"
I'd also like to add a phone call I got when I worked at an artstore in highschool:
Me:"Hull's Art Supplies and Framing, how may I help you?"
Me:"hi, what can I help you with?"
Weirdo: "do you all have art supplies?"
Me:"... Hull's Art Supplies and Framing, how can I help you?"
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.