I've seen a dad helping his toddler son pee out the back door of his truck in the middle of the parking lot.
I have a friend who worked in Wal-Mart for a few years. He has tales of shoeboxes filled with vomit and men trying on bras.
At my local walmart there is a woman who works in electronics that has a thicker beard than I can ever grow. I don't know why she doesn't shave it.
Today I saw a middle aged man sitting in a car smoking a cigarette in a Walmart parking lot. This wouldn't have been weird if he wasn't sitting in a pink car that had "Barbie" painted across the hood.
A few months ago I ended up standing in line behind an extremely fat woman with some of the tightest-fitting clothes I've ever seen. Tragically, her top ended above her navel, and it was so tight that it looked as if it managed to squeeze a disproportionate amount of her body fat into those few inches between where her top ended and her pants began. The flesh thus exposed probably could have fed a family of four for days, and sagged so low that the woman's waistband was completely hidden. Every once in awhile she would adjust her hideously undersized top as though trying to cover herself, but all that accomplished was to set her fat moving in these horribly mesmerizing undulations reminiscent of Homer Simpson being examined by Dr. Hibbert after his heart attack. It was terrifying, but I was unable to look away.
I saw a family of five in the checkout line. Man, woman, 14ish year old boy, 12ish year old boy, and a ~5 year old girl. Four of them had the exact same wispy "half peach fuzz" moustache; the only one that didn't was the girl.
Christ, this thread brings back so many repressed memories. My mother was a WALMART GREETER for about five years. I shit you not, the whole time she worked there, I was dying a little inside. It was like my mom had gone off and joined some fucked up Coney Island freakshow. The stuff she saw... *shudder* The first one that springs to mind was an older Indian couple. They were speaking (probably) Hindi, so my mom couldn't understand what they were saying, but I guess the wife got a little too lippy, so the husband just reached back and fucking backhanded her in the mouth. He never raised his voice, or got angry... or even stopped looking through the racks of shit he was perusing. When she cried a little he cocked his hand to slap her again and she went silent - must be pretty common in their relationship.
The only time the guy showed any emotion at all was when security came to escort him out. The police were called, but the woman refused to press charges, and last anyone saw, she was getting into the backseat of the car (guess she's not good enough to sit up front).
About a five hundred pound man with a mullet and a sticker saying he was a ten-year employee. And all the problems with obesity like ugliness, chins, bad skin etc.
I was standing outside the Walmart waiting when these three folks come out after shopping. It's a mother, father, daughter of about 13 I reckon. Hate to say it but they all look kinda lower income, lower educated stereotypes. The mother is fat and in too small clothes, the father looks like a cross between a junkie and a biker, and I think probably was a junkie. The girl is dressed fairly normally for a girl her age, though a bit slutty.
The father indicates that he is going to leave in another direction, so they all start saying bye. And then he leaned down and started making out with the teenage girl, and the mother is just standing there smiling, totally used to it and having no problem with it. Then he said bye to the mom and walked to his truck and they went to their mini van.
I put the guy at around 26-28. Greasy as fuck.
A titanic white trash woman spilling lard over three sides of her motorized cart while four children almost literally orbited around her in a frenzied dance of aisle-wrecking mania
I have seen two things at a Wal-Mart that have stayed with me. The first one was up in Maine. It was about 2am and this whole family was in there shopping. The woman was walking around breast feeding her baby. Now I'm not a prude so this didn't bother me. What did bother me is when she started screaming that her tit hurt because the baby was teething. She then gave the baby to her husband and started sucking her own nipple to make it feel better. As if that weren't odd enough her husband and yes their five year old son took turns kissing mommies nipple to make it feel better. My wife and I couldn't look away. I thought maybe we had crossed in to deliverance county.
The second thing happened when my wife ran into our local Wal-Mart for something. I opted to wait in the car since I won't go in there with out and reason and a fight. A lady was walking back to her car carrying a kid of about three years old with an eight year old bringing up the rear. The eight year old was having a massive temper tantrum. He picked up a rock and just slammed the mother in the back of the head with it. She went down hard. He then started kicking at her and screaming he hated her. I actually got out of the car to see if she was ok. She assured me that she and the kid she was holding that she landed on were fine. She turned and apologized to him, then went back into the store with promises to get what he wanted if he was good. I was stunned and that's when I told my wife we made the right choice not to have kids. My parents would have beaten my ass severely if I didn't something half as bad as that.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.