Not exactly gross but funny nonetheless, I was in a Neighborhood Wal-Mart doing some grocery shopping (This was around 8-9pm). Suddenly a homeless man waltzes in, who I could only assume was homeless, due to him having no shoes or a shirt and a raggedy ass face. Now generally this wouldn't bother me much, but this guy was sneaking around like he was playing MGS, real stealthy like, of course he did it so comically you could only help but stare and wonder "what the Christ"
I decided to follow him a bit, he ended up in the frozen food aisle, staring at a bunch of frozen entrees, He was there for a while and I think he noticed me so I kind of wandered off a bit. Not a moment later I hear someone shout "Hey!" and see this homeless man sprint off out the store with a Hungry-Man box in his clutches, one of the employees goes bolting after him I hurry outside to see if this crazy bastard with no microwave got away with his frozen feast, when I see this employee brutally tackle the homeless guy on the pavement, you could literally hear the guy go "Urghh!" from 50-60ft away. The homeless guy is still on the ground, with his Hungry-Man all squished and smashed in his relentless grasp. The employee yanks the thing out of his hands and comes walking back to the store, leaving the guy on the ground. I didn't stick around after that but I was rooting for the homeless guy, I still wonder why he decided to steal a frozen food, and how the hell he was going to eat it
Probably the grossest thing that I have seen at Walmart, would have to be the time I encountered a retard in the fish aquarium area. He grabbed one of those beta jars (a blue fish that freaks out if you hold a mirror in front of the tank), popped it open and shoved the fish in his mouth. The sound of him chewing haunts me to this day.
My friend works at Wal-Mart: just a regular high school student trying to save money for college. One night she was working in the clothing section, and a man takes about three pairs of pants into the dressing room. There's nothing unusual about this, but she notices that he stays in there for a long time. About 45 minutes, to be exact. Eventually he emerges and high-tails it outta there. My friend and her co-worker go into the stall to find out what was taking him so long, and find the three pairs of pants still in there, now with a nice little semen stain in the crotch of each one. I'm not sure what they did with the pants, but I suppose they just threw them away.
Worst thing that I have ever seen was two huge hambeasts, could be mother-daughter or sister relationship, rolling around in those motorized scooters provided by the store taking up the whole aisle and backing up into people. They were piling their baskets full of soda, chips and pork rinds.
I work at Walmart. There are a whole bunch of very stinky people, so that's pretty gross. It's not always BO stinky, there's pee and shit stinky, and my favorite "my clothes got wet and dried again and now they smell like wet dog" stinky. But there are a few people that come in regularly that are a special kind of gross:
There's a very large woman who comes in with a dark stain on her stretch pants that could either be shit or period. I can't tell, but whatever she did, she made sure she did it pretty thoroughly.
There's another man who comes in wearing nothing but a dishevelled dress shirt, shoes with one sock, and tighty-whiteys. The other sock is on his hand. He is clearly insane and stumbles around the store with blank eyes. When it comes time to pay, some lady mysteriously appears and pays for him. I want to know where the fuck she is when he's drooling and stumbling through the aisles.
There's another guy who comes in with no pants, but he wears ladies' booty-short underwear. He's very fat. He also keeps a rather large gun in his rather small shorts. I've asked the managers why nobody kicks him out, and they look at me like "are YOU gonna be the one to do it?"
Finally, although it's not gross, there's a man who comes in covered in little pieces of gauze and gauze-tape. It's all he ever buys. He doesn't really look insane at first glance, just dirty, so once I asked him if it wouldn't just be easier to buy Band-Aids. He told me that Band-Aids don't keep out Washington, and then told me very sternly that just because I was in the CIA doesn't mean that all my answers were always correct. He then asked me if I had ever had a gun held to my chest, and when I said know he gave me one of those "welp, there you go" kind of looks. All I could think was "mother of god please leave." I'm still afraid every time I see him that he's going to remember me as the girl in the CIA.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.