The phone rings. When you pick it up, a good voice talks to you. It says "This is Greg." You can't see Greg. His voice is in your ear, but Greg is somewhere else. You can remember Greg, though.
Remembering is like seeing, except you use your mind instead of your eyes, and you can only see the past. You remember seeing Greg yesterday. Greg was playing football. You remember that Greg is big and strong and has blond hair. You think "Greg is handsome."
"Hi Greg," you say. Your heart beats fast because you are excited. Greg is one of the two boys that likes you.
"Susie," says Greg, in a good voice. "I was wondering if you would like to go to the dance with me. We could stand close to each other at the dance. You should go to the dance with me instead of Casey."
TO REMEMBER WHO CASEY IS, TURN TO PAGE 1
TO GIVE GREG YOUR ANSWER, TURN TO PAGE 3
TO THINK ABOUT IT SOME MORE, DO NOT TURN THE PAGE
Her boyfriend was the President. She called him James President, because they were close in a sexual way that let them speak to each other with familiarity. The kind of familiarity one has with family, or pets, or a cool English teacher who wants you to call him Doug. She liked to kiss James President in the President plane, the Air Force. He liked to kiss her there as well. It was in the newspaper.
"Do you like to be hurt?" Vincent asked with one of his eyebrows raised higher than the other. It was handsome. "Do you like to be told what to do? I like to tell people what to do and to cause people pain, but in a fun way. That is, they want me to hurt them and tell them what to do, because they enjoy things that way."
"Hurt?" I asked. I was confused about what he said, but also I liked the way it sounded. The fact that I liked it confused me even more.
"It's like punishment, but where you want the punishment," he explained. He moved closer to me until I was stuck between him and the wall. To me it felt safe and nice to be that way.
"Punishment..." I said. "Like when my mom tells me what to do, and then I don't do it, and she spanks me?"
He said, "Similar, but you want me to do it, because you think I'm pretty and you're my girlfriend. It's a nice kind of punishment."
I was confused. At that time, Vincent looked very strong and powerful to me. I wanted to say yes, because I thought he was very handsome and nice and I wanted to be his girlfriend, and it sounded pretty nice, to be told what to do by him. But I also wanted to say no, because being punished is bad. Then I thought, maybe sometimes being punished can be good and fun, when it's not coming from your mom, but when it's coming from your boyfriend, and you want him to do it.
"Okay, Vincent," I said, "if I can be your girlfriend, you can tell me what to do and you can punish me in a nice way."
Tyler put me on the bed. He did this gently. "Jeepers!" I said, "What are you going to do to me, guy?"
He smirked (like the "Smirk" emoji) and murmured, "First, we are going to eat pizza and play Mariokart, then I am going to kiss your brains out."
She touched his hardness. It was hard in her hand.
"You're hard," she whispered shoutily.
"It's because of your..." he looked at his script. "Ivory, uh, towering neck."
"Boffo!" she shrieked as he entered her clumsily.
I loved Jeremy. He was very strong and, because Jeremy was very strong, he could life heavy things up off of the ground with his arms and legs, the parts of his body that contained the source of his strength (the sources of his strength are his strong muscles inside of his arms and legs). Jeremy loved me back; however, I am not as strong as Jeremy is. You may be confused as to why Jeremy loved me back even though I am not strong. Jeremy's mother is also confused about this and tells me every day.
Jeremy was a very strong airplane driver. Jeremy loved driving his airplane in the skies. Jeremy loved the skies. Jeremy often told me that his love for the skies was a little less than his love for me. Jeremy said that if I did not exist, Jeremy would have married the skies. Jeremy's mother often reminds Jeremy that it is not too late.
I Was The Fury
"Hello Ann, I like you." Said Jeff to Ann.
Ann said to Jeff, "Hello Jeff, I also like you."
"What I said was true, but it was not true all the way. I like you very much." Said Jeff to Ann.
Ann, who was talking to Jeff, said, "I also like you very much. I like you so much that I want to be more than friends with you, which is called a girlfriend."
Jeff had a smile on his face, when he said to Ann, "That is also the feeling that I am feeling. I am also feeling happy that we are feeling the same feeling. It is good to be feeling these feelings. It is not bad to not be feeling these feelings, if you are feeling that you do not feel the same feeling that I am feeling."
Ann said to Jeff, "I know that it is not bad to have different feelings. Right now I do feel the same feelings. I will be your girlfriend. You will be my boyfriend. In one year it will be our one year anniversary, because today is the day we started being a girlfriend and boyfriend"
Troy said to himself, "ugh, there she goes again going for some jerk. I'm always so nice to her, but she won't touch my private areas the way I want to touch hers! I bet she touches the private areas of lots of other guys."
Dolores Haze was a little younger than I was, but not that much younger. It was definitely okay for us to be together, and everyone approved of it, especially our parents and the police, whom we would always call first if we were ever in any danger.
In the barn where Chad worked the horses were making little horses. Chad saw me and asked if I wanted to do the same. I was not sure I wanted to make little horses with Chad, but at the same time it made me think of a nice life with Chad, raising our little horses. We put our horse making parts together. Chad had very good horse making parts and I told him so. He told me that my horse making parts were very nice. I hope we will make horses again.
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
Get in on the ground floor of the hottest new crypto currency sweeping Earthrealm!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.