I was on my back on her bed propped up. My girlfriend was going down on me. She stopped for a minute and started with her hands. It was an awkward angle. It was a lot of tension.
I came on my own face.
In high school my then girlfriend and I had to do a lot of sneaking around because her parents hated that she was dating a girl. Some nights I would go over to her place- she would sneak out and meet me on the road by her house and we'd have sex in my car. Every now and then my parents would go away for the weekend and I'd go get her after dark and bring her back to her house at around 4 or 5 in the morning.
One time after I brought her back I was so tired I forgot the speed trap. I got pulled over.
I rapidly realized that not only was I ridiculously tired and disheveled at 4 am, but my wallet was in my pants... on the floor of my bedroom. I was wearing boxers and a t-shirt, nothing else.
The cop walked up to me and said, "You were dropping someone off." It wasn't a question.
He ended up being a really nice guy and only wrote me up for not having my license. I'm so glad my parents didn't notice what time was on the ticket.
Then another time when my brother's girlfriend was over my mom asked me and my girlfriend to 'not go upstairs so that we wouldn't disturb [brother's girlfriend] doing her homework. I hadn't realized that probably the whole house would hear me and Jen going at it. We tried to be quieter after that.
Back when I was married, the wife and I found a rare moment when our toddler son was asleep one Saturday afternoon, so we took advantage of the situation and had sex. Our son was asleep on the couch in the den at the opposite end of the house from the bedroom. Afterwards, I went to check on him... while still naked.
Halfway there, I encountered my mother-in-law. Evidently, I hadn't locked the door and the old bitch was arrogant enough to make herself at home and walk right on in without knocking. Needless to say, I covered myself, did an about face and ran away. To the m-I-l's credit, she never mentioned it.
My long term girlfriend and I (at the time) were engaging in one of our frequent bouts of naughty-play. We were buck-naked, lying on my bed, and my girlfriend was on top. My cat kept meowing since she wanted to come in, but I wouldn't let her in for two reasons. For one, I don't think I can comfortably have sex in front of my cat for some reason, and two, by the time my cat was meowing my girlfriend and I were already getting undressed. My mom knocks on the door (as she often does), and says, "Honey, Ginger wants to come into your room!"
"I know," I told her. "Just keep her out, for now."
"But she sounds so sad!" my mom kept pleading. For my cat. Which was.... weird, to say the least.
"I know, she was just in here. Just keep her outside. No, mom! NO DON'T OPEN THE DOOR-"
Then my mom saw my girlfriend and I, said some obscenity in Tagalong, and closed the door. After that, the most awkward 3 months of my life ensued.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.