Two awkward conversations with my dad:
*Dad walks into room* Me: Hey. Him: You SUCK at being discreet! Me: What? *SMACK* Me: Ow! *Dad leaves*
Some x months later...
Dad: Hey, when you swap cars with your mother for the day and take it to go have a BBQ with your girlfriend, and stop at publix and get condoms while you get food, it's probably a good idea not to leave the receipt in the car. Me (Oh fuck oh fuck I swear I threw that thing away): Oh... yeah, that's probably a good idea. Dad: It's okay, I told your mother that you were just using them to protect the hot dogs. Me: Alright, thanks. Dad: No problem.
My ex-fiancée and I used to spend many an evening in my downstairs bedroom watching movies on my computer. I had the monitor directly at the end of my bed, facing the head so I could lay in bed and watch a movie/TV show at the same time.
Our tradition was that she'd come over, we'd order pizza when she got there, and then start a movie so that the pizza would get there about halfway through. Well one day she was looking through my directories, and found some porn movie ("Blue Velvet" for those of you wondering). As this would be our first porn watched with just the two of us (as opposed to a joke at a party or whatever), things got hot and heavy, and of course we start going at it.
Now it's about midnight or so, so my dad and step mom were already in bed as they usually wake up around 5:30-6 in the morning. We're going at it pretty hard when I guess the pizza guy got there with the pizza. Of course, we're in the basement and instead of calling my cell phone like I have written on the note that I always give them, he decided to knock. And knock. Until my dad woke up to answer the door.
Well, unsure of why the pizza guy was there, he did what any cool dad would do: pay the pizza guy for the pizza (out of his own pocket), and brought it down to us.
Also deciding to be the nice dad, he figured he'd let my fiancée orgasm (she's pretty vocal) before calling from halfway down the stairs: "Pizza's here. By the way son, good job at pleasing her too." and proceeded to go upstairs and go to bed.
Nothing more was ever spoken about the incident again.
At the age of about 12, I had my first truly embarrassing semi-sexual experience. It was also the first time I ever ejaculated; I guess I was cursed from that day. My parents were out of the house at the time at dinner or something and I was all alone. I knew that my dad hid his porno-tapes under his dresser so as soon as that door clicked shut I ran for their bedroom. Figuring that I was doing something right as I could never make anything come out, I was determined to rectify the situation that night.
So there I stood in front of my parents huge wood-console TV masturbating to early 80's porn, when something weird started to happen, something I had never experienced before. My leg started to shake, my eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I unleashed the fury of my first ejaculation. Unfortunately it made me quite light-headed, and I lunged forward at the solid oak TV cabinet, and knocked myself the fuck out.
So when my parents came home, they found their 12 year-old son lying unconscious, pants around his ankles, in front of a TV blaring with porn and covered in man chowder. My parents never brought it up again, thank god.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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