When I was about 17 my and my then first girlfriend, after about 6 months of dating, decided we would finally have intercourse. To that time all we had down was fooled around with oral sex and the like. But it was new years eve and we decided to make the night special.

So we are over at my best friends house getting hot and heavy in his bedroom. Well I forgot to mention to my very reptile-phobic girl friend, that my pal has a rather large snake (heh, no pun intended) in a large glass aquarium in his bedroom. So we finally get down to it, and its great, I have her on top of we when she reaches back and inadvertently pulls the blanket off my friends snake 'tank'. She fucking flips out, screams at the top of her lungs, and whips around off of my penis and kicks me in the eye. She then grabs a blanket and goes running out of my friends room into his parents room(who thankful weren’t around at the time).

Well, being kind of woozy and blind in one eye I didn’t really see where she went. And wandered out into the hall, with a rock hard penis, in front of about 15 people who were trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. My friends always bring it up when we are hanging out.


On my 21st birthday my then girl-friend decided to take me on first legal trip to Vegas. She had turned 21 3 months prior to me, so we were both looking forward to some hot gambling action, among other things. Unfortunately for us her pain in the ass roommate weaseled her way into going with us by convincing my girlfriend that she would stay the fuck out of our way. But alas, the hotel giving us connecting rooms didn’t help too much. So we go out, gamble a bit and come back to our rooms at about 2am, and then proceed to do what any other 2 consenting adults in Vegas would do. After were done we go to sleep naturally.

Well sometime around 5am or so my girlfriend's roommate comes back. Being the over-intoxicated shitbag that she is she begins pounding on the door that connects our two rooms. So I get up to find out what the fuck she is doing. She then starts babbling on about some guy she met in the casino, shit I couldn’t understand but every third word the bitch said. So I told her to go to sleep and leave us be. I guess at that point I forgot to close the door on our side connecting the two rooms, and just shut hers. At that point I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I decided to see if my GF wanted to go at it again. Being the giving one she was, she agreed. After we were sure her roommate was asleep we got back to it. Now my Girlfriend was a loud moaner so I didn’t pay attention to a lot else when we were having sex. Sometime while I had my GF doggy style on the bed, her roommate ventured into our room.

A few minutes later I felt a hard slap on my ass, followed by a loud yell of, "You ride her cowboy!". Me and my both freaked and we fell off the bed. Fumbling around to grab something to cover herself up girlfriend knocks over a lamp and shatters the light bulb. Stumbling around trying to get up I set on the broken pieces and imbed a large shard of glass in my foot. I fall down to the ground grabbing my foot, once again with a semi-hard penis and a large red hand-mark on my bare ass. Security came about 5 minutes later upon complaints from the people in the room next to ours. I had some definite 'splainin to do.


My best one was one New Year's Eve being very stoned and drunk went back to my girlfriend’s house for first time sex. She lived with her mother that was like 60 something, we were both 18 I think at the time. We're getting down to it and I realize I need to pee badly; problem is I've got the kind of erection you could use to hang drywall. I explain my dilemma to her and excuse myself to go drain the lizard. Well of course I can't get the fucking boner to go away for what seems like hours (stoned remember) but eventually break the fucker enough to take a long piss, ahhhhh.

After I have secured the tackle I leave the bathroom to head back to have sex with the 3rd girl ever when I realize all the lights are out and I don't have a fucking clue where I am plus I'm still really fucking drunk and stoned. Oh wait what is this? I see a crack of light on the wall up ahead, must be her bedroom right? Wrong. As I lurch for the light, arm outstretched to find the door handle I fall down a flight of stairs and end up upside down in a now destroyed laundry basket.

"Catherine! What was that noise??" "It's all right mother, I just dropped something" "Are you ok?" "Yes, you go back to sleep"

She opens the bedroom door and I untangle myself, head up to her with, miraculously, my boner still intact ready for hot sex.

"My mom is awake now, you'll have to go!"

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.