My children and I went to my parent's house for a Halloween party last night. They had a tractor set up with a trailer full of hay for rides, a haunted house, and several other activities planned for the night. This was to be our Halloween. Sunday was already too busy for many of us to celebrate, so we had the festivities a day prior.
Again, I had put my kids down for a nap. I had checked on them several times today during breaks in my studying. My mother called me and said that she had decided to bring all of our collective kids trick or treating and asked me to have mine ready shortly. She was coming to pick them up so I could have some quiet time. I go to wake up my kids and find my son sleeping as I had expected.
On further inspection, as I moved in closer to him to wake him up, I found him asleep with his arm around a dildo.
He's just five years old and I'm sure he's unaware of its intended use. I panicked slightly, grabbed it, and put it up. This time I moved the entire wicker basket which held similar contents to the shed off of the patio of my apartment. It had been on the top shelf of the closet in my room.
After two incidents, I was a bit alarmed and very embarrassed. My children seem to have found these amorous apparatuses despite my best efforts to hide them and are regarding them as a dear stuffed animal. If I wasn't so horrified by it, it would almost be amusing to see someone regard these items tenderly. I certainly don't. They don't get foreplay.
What the fuck--do I need to keep these items under lock and key? :P
The shed has a locked door handle. I expect that I may have more embarrassing incidents in the future with a man. I hope that I never have another incident involving my children. I suppose that could have went much worse. Thank God my mother didn't decide to just show up or call when she was almost here. I would have hated for her to witness him sleeping with that thing.
One time, after having sex with my ex girlfriend for like every hour on the hour for about 4 weeks straight, I just got kind of bored of it...
So, in the middle of the act, I just kind of got up and went to surf the web. She asked me what was wrong... and I was like "nothing, I'm just bored."
man.... absolutely worst answer to give.
Chris went to college a virgin, and at our sleepy Midwestern university, he was having trouble with the fine ladies. They are few and far between, and so he went on many uneventful dates with random ladies. Then, one night, he goes on a blind date with a cute but larger girl. Things go well, he walks her back to her room, and they start to get into it. The clothes come off and the lights go out.
Now, Chris decides that since it's his first time, he wants to pleasure this girl right. So he makes his way down south and starts to go to town. She's enjoying it, but he thinks his lack of skill is apparent. So, he tries harder, putting all his heart into tongue motion. After about half an hour, she just sits up and says, "What are you doing?"
"Aren't I.. pleasuring you?" he says. "That's my belly button."
Embarrassed, he continues further south and pleases her with all the willingness he can muster. Not only does it work, but it drives her absolutely wild. So they get down to doing the deed, and after a while, they are doggy style. She is absolutely full of mindless lust at this point. She turns to him and says, "I want you to put it in my ass." So he rammed her in the ass.
As each action has an equal and opposite reaction, his lunge into her pushes her face-first into the headboard. He hears a hellacious smack and stops to see if everything is all right. Since there are no lights on and she asks him to keep going, he does just that. Things finish up, and as soon as they do, she runs and grabs a towel and presses it to her face. Maybe she was sweaty, thought Chris. He was wrong, though, when the lights came on and he saw why she had the towel: there was a bloody space where her two front teeth had been. The missing teeth were neatly laying atop her pillow, right where the headboard took them out.
His sex life has been nothing but normal ever since.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.