Ok, one more quick one. About five years ago was when I met Jodi. She was living in the dorms at a school about an hour from mine, so most weekends I would be found naked in her bed. We were up most of Sunday night one weekend shortly after we'd met, drinking Firewater, and doing unmentionable things with our bodies. That girl was kinky as hell, but I digress.
So we both collapse around 4AM, and I had no classes Monday morning, so I was looking forward to sleeping in until noon, waking up and driving back for my 3pm class. I wake up at 6am to a knock on the door.
Jodi: "who is it?" "it's your father"
---now I know what you're thinking. bear with me.---
neither of us really thought it was him. we thought maybe it was the guy down the hall, who we were both good friends with. it sounded like him. it really did. I wish it had been.
so Jodi gets up and wraps up in the sheet, which had long since been thrown onto the floor in the heat of one of the many moments that weekend. she opens the door and I'll be goddamned if the biggest frenchest lumberjack I’ve ever met wasn't standing there looking pissed off, holding a coffee in one hand and a McDonalds bag in the other.
dad: "I’m doing a lecture on forestry today and thought you mi... who's in your bed? is that Andrew?" Jodi: "no daddy, I'm not dating him anymore"
--so now not only has her father just caught a naked college boy in bed with his daughter, he's just learned that his daughter is a slut. and wait, who's this Andrew guy?
daddy dearest storms off, looking more pissed off than he was when he arrived, and I ask my girlfriend about Andrew. oh yeah, turns out she was engaged. she was looking for a way to break it off with him. I was that way. kinda off topic, but I thought I’d share.
follow-up: we dated for a year or so, and I broke up with her because neither of us was willing to move to be closer. she's now engaged to a guy who looks exactly like me. creepy, huh? my doppelganger is marrying my ex girlfriend.
One day, about a year ago, my girlfriend at the time comes over. Being a sophomore in high school, and therefore living in my parent's house, we make a quick check to see if anyone is home. Seeing no one, we head to my room. She and I start making out, one thing leads to another, I'm fucking her in my room.
She was not exactly the quietest girl when it came to sex. So, she's screaming like a maniac, and I hear a loud pounding on the wall, and heard the words that so quickly incited flaccidity: "Keep it down in there!" Now, my bathroom was right next to my bedroom. Unbeknownst to me, when we checked through the house, my brother (14) had just gone into the bathroom. He gave me the weirdest looks for the remainder of the week.
A few years ago when I had just gone 16 my family went to a campsite in the south of England somewhere in a tent. Anyway, I made friends with a guy called Tom and we went and picked up some girls in the campsite bar.
It got to about 11.30pm and the bar closed and, this been a campsite, the amenities weren’t all that great so we ended up sitting behind the toilet block on some dew-covered grass.
After 30 mines, Tom had managed to get his hands into the pants of this bird but because it was fucking freezing at midnight in the UK, he wanted somewhere warmer and more private where they could go shag and eventually settled on the disabled toilets as it was just a private, one-toilet room with a lock on the door.
So, they’d been in there about 5 minutes when the security light round the other side of the toilet block turns on and we see a man in a wheel chair come round the corner with his caretaker. They try to get in the toilet but it’s locked so they wait a few minutes before starting to knock on the door. Getting no reply, the caretaker leaves the disabled guy and goes off to find security to open the door (I found out the next day that Tom thought it was me messing about knocking on the door and so they had just carried on fucking).
After about 5 minutes, the security jeep pulls up outside the toilets and 2 security guys (total arseholes) and the caretaker get out. They all walk up to the disabled toilet (the disabled guy is still there) and one of the security guards knocks on the door. There’s no reply again so he gets his master key and opens the door on to these two naked 16 year olds shagging like there’s no tomorrow on the specially-lowered sink.
The security guard just said “I think you better go back to your tents”. The girl started crying and tried to cover herself up, picked up her clothes and ran off but Tom calmly picked up his clothes and walked in to the gents to get changed.
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. I was on the floor struggling to breath I was laughing so hard. Needless to say, their relationship didn’t go any further and the girl made a determined effort to avoid me, Tom, security and the disabled guy for the rest of her holiday.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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