Not so much embarrassing for me, as it was for my fiancée.
She came here for a visit over Easter (she lives about 1000 miles away). With the whole distance thing, the fact that it had been three months since we had seen each other, and the fact that we're both young, we were both horny as hell.
On the Saturday night that she visited, she wound up sleeping in my room with little in the way of clothing on. A few hours later, my mom is banging on my door yelling at me to get up for church. Thank god we locked the door.
We go to church, we go home, the fiancée and I go take a nap. We wake up around noon for lunch, the fiancée meets my grandma and uncle, and we eat.
We're still tired as hell after lunch, so we say goodbye to everyone and go back downstairs to sleep. A couple hours later, I'm woken up by the fiancée grinding her hips against my crotch.
Well, then. So that's how it is.
An hour and a half later, after a rather noisy romp in bed (she isn't exactly quiet, and the bed has bad springs), she goes out to go to the bathroom. Then she freezes.
My brother is sitting in the next room, on his computer, looking at her with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.
A quick side note about my house. My door is not thick. Nor does it muffle sound. It PROJECTS sound into the hallway which seems to act as a megaphone.
Fiancée probably turned 15 shades of red before she made it to the bathroom (which is about 5 feet from my room).
Oddly enough, my brother never said anything about it.
I was about 17 and dating very sexy Irish Catholic girl. I went out to her house to hang out, probably watched a movie or something. We had a habit of taking a really long time to say goodnight to each other. We'd usually make it to the foyer and make out for awhile before I left. This night, we didn't make it that far and started making out in the kitchen. Everyone in the house was asleep, so we figured we were safe and started having sex on the kitchen floor.
I was sitting against a wall and she climbed up on to me. Right after I get inside of her, we hear someone clear their throat. It was her dad, who is a Catholic Deacon by the way, getting up to get a glass of water. We all froze and just stared at each other. He said, "I think it's getting late and you should be going home" and turned around back to his bedroom. I got dressed as fast as I could and left.
No one ever spoke of the incident again.
When we first got our video camera I kept teasing my ex to show me his man-part on camera. Well he did and so I decided to give it a little kiss or two. After we were done he erased it.
Fast forward to our vacation. We are taking video of this and that as we travel. For part of the trip we're staying at his mom's house. At the end of the day we want to see what we've taped. So his visiting aunt, young (about 8 years old) male cousin and step father gather around the TV as we start to watch the tape.
Yep, you guessed it. Part of our sexploits didn't erase. I think it might have been maybe 3 seconds before he found the stop button, but it was enough. I jumped and covered the cousins eyes. The look on his aunt's face is forever burned into my brain and his step dad raced upstairs yelling "Sandy, Sam is in a porno movie!" and of course, the rest of the vacation the bastard step father did nothing but tease me about it. Heaven forbid I should have sausage with breakfast without a comment.
However, my favorite embarrassing sexual moment was told to me by a friend:
My friend and her then boyfriend went to a sex store and picked up a set of ben wa (forgive spelling mistakes on that) balls. If you don't know what they are, please look them up, not going to explain.
As they're driving home she decides to be naughty and puts them in. However they remember they have to stop at the grocery store before they go home. So she takes one out and can't get the other. She figures well this will be an adventure and just doesn't worry about it... until it falls out while she's walking down the aisle of the store.
Please consider updating your plan to include Trickle Down Antibiotics, the Millennial Meltdown, and other new options.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.