Me and my ex girlfriend were making the most of her free house for the week, as her parents were away somewhere in Europe. We thought that as her parents were home the following evening, we would get some food, light a fire, watch a DVD, go take a bath together and shag like rabbits while we had the house to ourselves.
Well we got as far as the DVD before we started to get frisky. She really was in a naughty mood and wanted me to do her on the sofa, but we didn’t get a house to ourselves very often and I really wanted to make use of her bath. She agreed, and we got up from the sofa, I took her top off, she took off mine. We were kissing as we were shuffling out of her front room, we got near the window and I checked to make sure that the curtains were closed and they were. I took her bra off, she started to undo my belt and pulled my trousers down. She dropped to her knees and started to give me a blow job, I pulled her up, she dropped sown again and was there for a few minutes.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, a really loud knock that someone makes who wants to let you know that they are there. I heard a voice, it was her mum. My GF threw her top on, and I jumped around with my trousers round my ankles picking up her bra, hiding it under the sofa and trying to get dressed.
I waited a few minutes before I went out to see her parents. Her Dad wanted help with the suit cases in the car, so I said I would help. They parked the car in the car park over the road, as my car had blocked up the last space on their driveway.
Now the car park faces the living room window, and looking in, I found to my horror that I could clearly see the outline of my GF talking to her mother. It turns out that the curtains acted like a projector screen when they were backlit by the fire and simply silhouetted the outline of my GF giving me a blow job, for her parents to see the whole time that they were parking the car and walking to the door. That was the only reason that they knocked, as they had house keys. They never said a word about it and even dropped a few comical hints about coming home early.
A couple times a year some friends and I go to a convention and get a hotel room for the weekend. Since all 4 of them are guys, I get my own room and they share an adjoining one. Lucky for me, one of them is my boyfriend. So one night we're in my room having some oral fun, and I hear a noise. We keep the doors to the adjoining room unlocked because the 5 of us usually hang out in one and then go off to bed and since they sleep the day away, I usually have to go in to wake them up. So I hear a noise that might be one of them moving around his room. I lift up my head to look, right when my boyfriend finishes.
In my eye. I've heard that it burns, and this is true. It fucking burned. To make matters worse I wear contacts, so it hurt even more. I rub my eye and run into the bathroom to see that it's bright red. This is not good. I wear day/night contacts so I didn't have my glasses, or a way to take out my contact and clean it. I now bring emergency contacts supplies on all trips. The pain is too great, so I'm forced to take out the contact. It feels a little better but I know I can't put it back in dirty. I have really sensitive eyes, so using the tap water wasn't an option, I needed contact solution. Meanwhile my boyfriend is sitting on the bed slightly bewildered and concerned.
I suddenly realize, that one of the guys in the next room has contacts. I sneak in and see his solution sitting on the bathroom counter. I grab it and quickly clean off my contact and put it back in, fresh and clean. He doesn't even know I used it, much less what I used it for.
An ex of mine wanted to try candles with dripping wax. I really didn't have any except for those fucking little scented Glade ones. He didn't drip it on me. He POURED it on me. I was immediately scalded and jumped up and proceeded to dance around the room. Once I got over the initial pain, I went back to sit on the bed and blew on it fiercely until he went to get some ice. That lavender-scented burn was there for quite some time.
When I was 18 I was dating this shy 25 year-old woman. We had been having sex for about 6 months and she was quite inexperienced at lots of things. I was finally getting her to open up a bit and try new things. One night while her parents were out (yes she lived at home...another e/n thread) I thought we should have sex on the kitchen floor. We get naked and fool around in the bed and I then lead her to the kitchen. I'm on top and she is going crazy. LOVING it. Loving it so much she asks for something she never did before.
She wanted me to cum on her tits. I arrive at my moment and proceed to cum all over her face, tits, and stomach. Just as I'm in mid spurt, I hear a key enter the front door and a handle turn. Thank God we locked the deadbolt to which her parents did not have a key for. They then start ringing the door bell.
The front door was across from the kitchen so I knew if they peeked in they would see. I bolted up, ran from the hallway to the bed room (about 40 feet) and it only took me 3 leaps to make it. I then plunged under the covers and acted as if I was asleep. My poor cum covered girlfriend then had to find something to put on AND answer the door in 20 seconds as to not look guilty. We just pretended that we locked the deadbolt on accident but I think they knew.
Celebrate diversity and inclusiveness at your next protest by not calling Donald Trump a nasty little-hands pisspig bitch.
A true patriot has exactly seven t-shirts, with seven slight variations on a single phrase that tell one powerful story. This is that tale.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.