Well, me and this girl had been seeing each other for about 6 months. In that time we had gone from Shy kissing, to "under the shirt, over the bra" fondling, to dry humping, to oral, to clothes off Sixty-nine. One day, while we were both on my futon (classy) after going down on her, naked and breathing hard, I decided to take a risk and go for the big one. So in my most convincing and romantic tone I think I've ever used I said "Do you think I can...just to see what it feels like?" I know, I know, you're thinking. "God, I wish I was that charming and aloof. How could anyone NOT fall in love with this guy!"
Since I had about three months practice of going down on her an average of twice-a-day compared to all her other boyfriends none-a-day EVER, she was pretty receptive to whatever I wanted to do to her. A nod later and I was awkwardly loving her.
I wasn't wearing a condom (6 month relationship, I had some trust, she was on the pill, and I knew it) and years of propaganda that if you didn't wear a condom then your life is OVER had made me nervous as the time to finish was approaching. In my defense I tried to warn her. "ugh, I think I'm gonna..." Being my first time I wanted to try every position so at the moment of lift-off she was on top, facing away from me. I put my hands on both of her buttocks and in a panic I pushed (I thought, gently), and she went flying like the Coyote in a Roadrunner cartoon. Her arms pin-wheeled and her legs kicked out.
Time froze like in those bad movies. Then it started in slow motion. She was in mid-air looking like a grenade had gone off behind her. Her blonde tresses flowing behind and the expression on her face hidden from me (thank God). She landed on the sheets and pillows we had kicked off the futon. It didn't help that she had emotional vulnerability issues with sex, so she started crying. I tried to apologize and console her in my naked and withering state.
The next day we made up for XX years of virginity (ha ha late starter) in a marathon of a least 4 hours. I guess we realized that nothing worse could happen than the first and last time I tried the "withdrawl" method on a girl taking contraceptive pills in a monogamous relationship. We lasted two years.
I was 17 in my junior year in high school. I had a steady girlfriend, and we had been going at it for at least a year. You know how it was back when you didn't have your own place and lived with your parents: any window of opportunity was taken advantage of.
We were at my girlfriend's house in the spring of '84 (yeah, I'm old) and her mom had left to go run some errands. So that meant it was time to start humping! Usually we both keep quiet enough to hear the return of a parental unit and disengage, but this time we totally screwed the pooch (pun unintended) and didn't hear her mom come home, come up the stairs, and open my girlfriend's bedroom door.
What did she get an eyeful of? My athletic ass and unit thrusting into her youngest daughter (we didn't have the covers on)at a furious rate. All she said was "All right now!"
There is no quicker way for your jimmy to shrink up than to get walked in on by your girl's mom. So, in a panic and hoping to avoid her mom (my girl's bedroom was on the second floor), I start looking for windows to jump out of and drain pipes to use to scurry to safety, figuring I'd let the situation have some time (read: cowardly as hell) to diffuse. It was definitely the "fight or flight" instinct, but I was thwarted by the fact that the roof outside my girlfriend's room had too steep a pitch.
So we're talking: Me: "I've gotta get out of here" GF: "Where are you going to go? You can't climb out the window." Me: "I don't know, but it wasn't your ass your mom saw screwing the hell out of you."
So, cooler heads prevailed and I didn't make like Spiderman. When I thought the coast was clear, we made a break for it, thinking we could find safe refuge at my house or anywhere, for Christ's sake. I just couldn't face her mom.
Well, we didn't make it, as I think her mother was lying in wait. I didn't say anything as I got the business about being careful (condoms) and all that motherly crap. I had never been so embarrassed in my life.
I'm a freshman in college, home on winter break. It's December and ironically, still seeing the same girl (for awhile at least, the pastures quickly got greener at college). My grandmother was living with us as she was in her late 70's and had broken a hip before and didn't get around so well, so she really needed to live with someone. So my brother, dad, grandmother, and I (parents divorced) all lived together, at least when I wasn't at school.
Well, I had a TV in my room and my girlfriend was over. It was December, and the NFL had started playing games on Saturdays, so I used "We're watching the football game in my room" as a ploy to keep my grandmother (no one else was home)from getting suspicious to my real plot: to get some. Typically, my grandmother would be veeeeery slow coming up the stairs and would make enough noise that you could avoid getting busted rather easily.
Well, my grandmother was in stealth mode that day. As I'm standing up and my girl is doing a fantastic job of performing oral homage to me, my grandmother walks up to the door and sees this. Yikes!!! My grandmother saw me getting a knobber (not that she wasn't fairly sure I was sexually active, but that's a far cry from having her view this.)
All she said was, "excuse me" and left.
Now, my girl is looking for a window, but it had snowed and she wasn't all that athletic. I told her to not to worry about it, I don't know how much my grandmother had seen. And grandma never mentioned that situation ever, at least to my knowledge.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.