A few years ago in college, my roommate's girlfriend was having her 21st birthday. The rule at the time was when someone turns 21, everyone has to get as drunk as possible at their party so the person turning 21 doesn't have to feel so bad about waking up in a puddle of their own vomit.
My girlfriend at the time was the prettiest girl I had ever dated and I was insanely attracted to her. She was also a lightweight and when it came to drinking, she'd have two drinks and then claim to be totally drunk even though everyone could see that she wasn't, which is probably a smart move around asshole guys who try and rape drunk girls but I didn't get why she did it around my friends who obviously weren't like that. She showed up at the party and proceeded to start drinking. Mind you, by the time she showed up, I'd had about 8 drinks and was working on my 9th. By the time we went into my bedroom and barricaded the door for a little mid-party sex, a big group of people had moved into my roommate's room, which was immediately next door, behind a pretty thin wall.
Now, I was completely, extremely drunk. By this time I had had maybe 12 drinks and was barely lucid. Still, I wanted ass, so we started screwing around, got naked, and she tried to get me up.
Wouldn't work. Way, way, way, way, way too wasted. After the first try I hear from next door a HUGE peal of laughter from about 15 people coming through the wall like they were in my damn room. lolling like never before. Jesus fucking Christ I was embarrassed. Turns out they had no idea what I was doing (or rather did and didn't care), they were watching my roommate play Typing of the Dead which has questionable English (and were all really wasted), so they were laughing pretty hard.
My girlfriend kept trying to get it up and they managed to pick just the right time to start laughing really hard again. We had a laugh track while I couldn't get it up for her. A studio audience. Constant laughing while she struggled to bring me up. It never came up, of course, and so we wound up just going to sleep after about 8 trillion apologies on my part.
Next day everything was fine, and I thought it was really really funny in hindsight, even though she didn't.
I once burped in a girls mouth while making out. It was because I had been chewing so much gum I swallowed all my spit and bubbles.
I just said "oh, excuse me" and got right back to it.
My Ex really loved laying on her stomach while I fucked her from behind. Things got really slick one time, and she shifted a fraction of an inch and it went from one hole to the other. She launched out from under me (I seriously don't know how she did it) and spent the next ten minutes running from her own asshole.
After the first five minutes, I couldn't hold back the laughter. She also had a slight cold, that developed into a bad cold the next day. Every time she coughed, sneezed, or sniffled, she winced and I'd just laugh. I felt bad, but it was just too funny.
There was a girl I'd been kinda seeing from the college down the road from me, and one night whilst very very drunk, I decided that it was about "That time" again. I made the booty call She gets here, and after stealthily ditching my friends while she was in the bathroom, we start going at it. We hadn't gotten very far at all (the door to my dorm hall was still open actually) and my hall mate comes in asking to grab his guitar which lives in my room. He's drunk so he probably didn't notice me and the girl making out, so I just give it to him and use it as an excuse to close the door without being too sleazy
Things start to get a little heavier at this point and we're full-on sloppy making out with the lights off when my door flings open. I have a single room here in the dorm...so I'm like :WTF: It's the guy from before with like 3 of my hall mates behind him and he's asking me "where the FUCK his guitar is!?!?!" I'm visibly pissed off, and I just scream "I already gave it to you, you big fuckwad!" The girl starts cracking up; she has a sense of humor, that's for sure. I'm just like...gah. Asshole.
I locked the door after that. Someone tried to get in at one point and knocked, and my reply was a very loud "FUCK OFF", which the girl thought was hilarious.
The best part was, the next morning, my hall mate told me never to lend him the guitar again when he's that drunk. I told him to make sure he knocks before he comes in my room.
His response? Why? You might be naked?
...Jesus. I asked him if he remembered walking in on me with the girl and he was just like, "What? I did? Ooops..."
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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