A few years back I was at my bf's house, whom lived with his parents at the time, and we were fooling around. Nothing out of the normal; I wasn't any louder than normal...
Next thing he notices lights flashing across the ceiling & banging on the door. I didn't realize what was going on until he put on his pant & ran down the stairs. The cops had rolled up in three of their jeeps, which amounted to four cops total. He yells for his wallet & I threw on my clothes and ran it down the stairs to him. A few minutes later a fourth jeep pulls up & they separate us for questioning. Now, this was the first time I've ever been in that situation, and I didn't know what to expect. Two cops were talking to me & taking my info down, and eventually a sixth cop arrives on a bicycle. A third cop joined us in the kitchen, and at this point I was cracking up; so he decided to be an ass.
Apparently the neighbor thought the place was being robbed which is why she called the cops. The guy kept asking me what we were doing; "Were you playing murder?" blah, blah, blah. All I would tell him is that it was foreplay, since certain "actions" are illegal in NY. I could barely get out the words, I was laughing so hard, and all because he wouldn't let his "murder game" theory go. The two cops standing behind him started to laugh; you had to be there. He had to have felt embarrassed over being laughed at...he tried so hard to keep the hard-faced look.
It was a little embarrassing on my end, mainly due to the loudness drawing a neighbor's attention; but it was also an embarrassment for that cop who got laughed at in front of his crew.
When I was sophomore in college, I started messing around with this 19-year-old girl. All we did was oral stuff, since she wouldn't let me fuck her. So one summer day, we're in my room, on the second floor of my parents' condo. We're buck naked. I'm on my back, enjoying life, and she's sucking away with her back to the door. Which I thought I locked.
Then in walks my mother.
Inexplicably, she made no noise. We didn't hear the door open; the girl, in fact, didn't notice anything and kept on sucking. I just froze, but before I could do anything, my mom quickly turned around and closed the door. Whole thing probably lasted about 10 seconds.
Sadly, I couldn't finish. I never told the girl what happened, though. To this day my mother has never mentioned it, which is odd considering how liberal and extremely open my family is (I talk to my mother about my favorite positions).
Ok, so about two weekends ago I hooked up with this girl I know from the last school I went to. We stayed in touch a little, and we both had a long weekend, so I got a ride from a couple girls at my NEW school, up to her area, she picked me up, we had a good weekend of nonstop fucking.
Fast forward to Monday morning, she's giving me a ride back to the drop-off point for ride #2, which is 4 hours away. We show up a half hour early or so, and she makes the comment "I wish we'd left later so we could've had time for you to nail me again."
*zzzzzzzzzzzip* in the parking lot of a Ruby Tuesday's restaurant. We're both pants-less in her car. I gave her what she said was the first orgasm she ever had that wasn't self-administered. So now it's my turn, and this girl gives the best fucking blowjob in the world. I know what I'm about to receive is up there with the Nobel peace prize.
Anyway, she gets going two hands and a mouth, and I've got my eyes rolling back in their sockets, and my head burrowing into the headrest as zero-time approaches rapidly. I guess I should've been paying more attention, because a family had walked out of the restaurant, and were apparently parked right next to us. It's a family of four. Mom, dad, older daughter, and a cute little (probably) four year old boy. I open my eyes because I hear a noise and behold the four year old looking in the window. Oh shit. Oh shit. _OH SHIT I AM COMING!!_
I fired off a few million unborn souls, some of which wound up in her mouth, some on her dashboard, most of it in her hair when she turned to see what was going on. Meanwhile this kid has gotten into the car, and apparently the parents didn't see, somehow. But you know damned well that kid waited a few minutes in uncomfortable silence before asking:
"Mommy? Why was that man stabbing that woman in the face with his penis?"
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.