"I once accidentally hit the front brake on my bicycle going at full speed. Don't give a child a goddamn bike with three different levers for braking!"
"I went into diabetic shock once from trying to do the gallon challenge with Mountain Dew instead of milk.
(I completed it.)"
"I have a scar on the palm of my hand from a pretzel. I thought it would be funny to smash it on the lunch table in 3rd grade. I ate it as revenge."
Diet Conan Doyle
"At my old elementary school, everyone liked to jump from the swing set while they swung on it, just for fun, and also to see from how high up they could jump. There was a contest between the people in my brother's grade to see if anyone could reach the blacktop from the swing set. The blacktop was probably around five or six feet away from the front of the swings. Everyone tried to get to the blacktop, but they could only land on the grass. One day, a boy in my brother's class finally did what no other kid could do, and landed on the blacktop.
He broke both of his legs on impact."
"Not me, but my cousin. See, she was so excited to go see the first Lord of the Rings movie when it came out that she arrived extra-early with her husband. When she sat down. she realized that the row in front of her had a better view, so she decided to climb over the seats and sit there instead. She somehow managed to twist her ankle doing that. But that wasn't the bad part. The bad part was that she was determined to watch the film, so she sat there for three hours in pain before going to the doctor.
To this day she says her only regret wasn't twisting her ankle, but bringing her "This movie is terrible it's NOTHING like the books!" husband with her. "
The Non Sequitur
"Setting: Nafplion, Greece. There's this famous set of 999 old stone stairs running from the summit of this mountain castle/fort all the way down to beach level. To clarify, stone steps worn smooth by the flip-flops of a billion tourists. No handrails, sheer drop of death down one side. Went all the way down from the very top. Made it to the 998th step, one left to ground level, and... faceplant. Scratched up assorted limbs something fierce. Much laughter was had by all."
"Kids jump on beds all the time right? Nothing wrong with that. When I was a kid I broke my arm trying to jump on a water bed."
"I was at a Christmas party, playing doubles ping-pong with my then-boyfriend against some other people. We were on fire, he was all Andre Agassi with the swearing and the dramatic flair, and I was rocking the big grunts that they seem to do nowadays. He went for a huge slam as the ball came bouncing over the net, but on the backswing he caught me right in the septum, almost breaking my nose. The nose didn't break, luckily, but it did bleed a lot, swell a lot, and I had some gnarly bruising until just before New Year's. I told people I'd had a nose job for Christmas rather than admit I'd been injured playing ping pong."
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Jeff Foxworthy has awakened to the new flesh to tell some redneck jokes.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.