my darling feet
"My then-boyfriend gave me such a hug that he cracked my lower ribs! Awesome!"
"I borrowed a friend's knife and while cutting some rope they laughed at me because I looked like I was going to lose control of the knife and cut my own throat. While laughing about it and miming cutting my own throat and saying "What did you think I was going to do, durrrp!" and motioning with the knife, I managed to cut right under my chin."
"Well, I guess it would have to be the time I thought my fiancee had had enough foreplay, didn't use lube, and managed to tear my frenulum. I ended up losing half a pint of blood, going into shock, and sitting in the emergency room with one hand down my pants trying to keep pressure on it. While the ER doctor was treating me, he would occasionally shout "LUBE IS YOUR FRIEND! LUUUUBE!!!!" at me. Thank Christ that I was in a private room."
"I'm sitting in the hospital with a broken hand and the nurse says to me 'Oh, let me guess, snowboarding accident?'
'No,' I tell her 'I tripped on my pajamas. ""
"I got angry riding BMX and threw my bike. It bounced, hit a wall and then slammed into my shin. Man, that was a deep gash."
"Years ago my then-BF and I were drunk and fooling around in his bed and he pulls his dick out and I rear up and yell 'Oh god I need a whip and a chair to tame that humongous cock!!' and fall backward off the bed and crack my head open badly on the corner of the desk and had to go get stitched up."
"I was masturbating once and got some of my own semen in my eye. I spent about 10 minutes rinsing it, and was nearly blind in that eye for the rest of the day. Even the next couple days were kinda blurry. The pain was indescribable. I can only imagine something as salty as Worcestershire would be just as hellish."
"Ten minutes ago, I went to have a look at the fish in our pond, turned to go back inside, lost my balance, stumble-ran through our back door and ended up stubbing my toe and banging my knee on the edge of a chair.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Were you enjoying your day? STOP! There is outrageous crap going on you need to know about!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.