I use to go to catholic school, and in religion class one day, someone mentioned that Jesus' foreskin was for sale on ebay. I had no idea what foreskin was, so I went home and looked for it on ebay.
My dad came in and asked "What are you up to?" and I replied "Searching for Jesus' foreskin on ebay." He stared at me for a second and walked away, then came back and said "Do you know what foreskin is?" And he explained it to me.
My mom makes cakes. Occasionally some people will order erotic cakes. I'm occasionally awake at 4am. Walking into the kitchen at 4am seeing a dong cake on the counter then walking out is just one of those awkward situations.
My mother told me not so sleep with any virgins. Encouraging me to "recycle", she said.
When I was 9 I asked my dad why he was laughing so hard at that scene in Austin Powers 2, when there was a silhouette and all the guards looked in horror when a gerbil was presumably being pulled out Austin's ass. My dad promptly told me "Son, homosexuals like having gerbils put into their assholes".
When I was 16 or 17, my parents had a couple they were friends with over. The guy is Swedish (I think), around 50 or so, and started talking about how he found the culture to be different, and how that interested him. One of the things he brought up was how sex is touchier in America, talking about how acquiring porn was different than here, porn channels, etc. Kind of weird, but he's a pretty funny guy, so it was only a bit uncomfortable.
So he turned to me, and said, "Hey, it's cool, lots of people look at porn! Mostly men, but there's some women. I bet you've got some....you know, it's late, your parents are sleeping, you're on your computer...It happens."
This had me red in the face, but I would have recovered. My dad stepped in.
"Yeah, and you're pretty damn noisy sometimes, knock it off."
I turn even redder
"Do you have a girlfriend at school or anything?"
The Swede injects "A boyfriend, perhaps? High school is confusing"
His wife says, "If you're gay, that's okay. Nobody cares."
We continue talking about my sex life, or the lack of it, for dinner.
My mother told me, and showed me, that my father is subscribed to a gay dating website. My father always told me that if I ever turned out to be gay, he'd break my neck. I'm not gay, but it looks like he is.
I'm set to go stay with him soon.
I'm feeling awkward as hell already.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
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