Untitled, inspired by Scooby Doo, written by spongmonkey.“GROOBY ROOBY ROOOOOO!!!” exclaimed Scooby, as his powerful 12½ inches of angry canine lovestick spewed gallon after gallon of semen over Daphne’s naked ass and thighs.“Oh Scooby, that was amazing, as always,’ panted Daphne, as the dregs of her 5th consecutive orgasm died away. “But I do wish you would keep your voice down in the future; you know what my Freddy’s like, he gets so jealous – I sure he knows there’s something between us.’Fred and Daphne had been ‘going steady’ for some time now, Fred believing Daphne to be a virgin; however, Daphne had neglected to mention to him the hot lesbian affair she was conducting with Velma (the way she cried ‘Jinkies!’ upon climax still rang in Daphne’s ears) and the fact that she was here in the back of the Mystery Machine every other night, letting Scooby satisfy his animalistic urges upon her.But she knew she was a slut, and, goddamn it, she liked it. If it had a pulse, or even if it didn’t (as had been the case with numerous supernatural entities in the past), hell, then she was game.Much as she loved Fred for his sturdy sensibility, his all-American good looks, and his impeccable dress-sense, she found him prudish at times. “Not until we’re married, Daph!” he would protest, each time she made her amorous advances towards him. Maybe it was his strict Catholic upbringing. Was it any wonder, she often reasoned, that she had to satisfy her cravings elsewhere? If only Fred could understand, if only he could see the fires that burned within her, within her very being, within her moist and welcoming loins…Well, in the meantime…“You ready to go again, Scoob?” she purred, winking seductively, and already back on all-fours.“UR-HUR-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!!!” chuckled Scooby, obviously overjoyed at the prospect.Just as Scooby was getting ready to deftly plunge his gargantuan helmet into Daphne’s juicy crevice, Daphne warned: “Please, Scooby, try to keep it down this time – I don’t want Freddy to hear…”“You don’t want Freddy to hear what?”They both looked round. The doors of the Mystery Machine were torn open, and there, his white sweater glinting in the moonlight, stood Fred, the fire of anger burning fiercely behind his eyes. He surveyed the scene before him - the Great Dane, in an obvious state of extreme arousal, hunched over his precious Daphne’s naked ass - and he felt decidedly un-Christian thoughts brewing in his mind.“You don’t want Freddy to hear…what???” Fred repeated, with even more bile.“Freddy!!! I…I…it’s not what it seems…we were just…Scooby! Get off! Bad dog!”, Daphne stuttered and protested, trying in vain to pin the blame upon Scooby.“Oh don’t start with that shit, you fucking bitch,” spat Fred, his face contorted. “I know what you two have been up to. Every night you come out here, I’ve been watching you through the Mystery Machine’s windscreen. You two make me sick”.“But,” he continued, “as I watched more of your trysts, I came to realize that…I like sick.”An evil, mischievous grin spread across his lips.“And now…it’s time for your punishment.”Unable to move, unable to breathe, Daphne and Scooby watched transfixed as Fred produced a number of items he had been concealing behind his back; a coat hanger; a 12-inch, jet-black dildo; a length of barbed wire; an extra large tube of KY Jelly; and a curious, shapeless item that neither of them could make out in the gloom.“RAAAGGYYY!!!! RELLLLP!!!!” cried Scooby in desperation.“Oh, Shaggy can’t hear you,” said Fred, advancing on the pair menacingly. “I’m afraid I had to introduce him and Velma to the joys of S&M, followed by violent anal rape, followed by death.”“Freddy? Wha…what’s happened to you?” stammered Daphne.“Oh, nothing much, baby…I just decided to start living,” said Fred through clenched teeth. “Unfortunately, the exact opposite can be said for our little friend here…”With which Fred brought forward the mysterious, shapeless item, revealing it to be, to Daphne’s horror, Scrappy-Doo’s suffocated corpse, sealed in an oversized and well-lubricated condom.This was too much for Daphne; she fainted away against the cold, hard metal of the Mystery Machine’s interior.She swore she heard Fred ask “All right then…now who’s for some Puppy Power???”, before cackling menacingly.And with that, she faded away into the welcoming arms of unconsciousness, accompanied by a sound she would never forget; the disgusting, indescribable sound of Scrappy’s latex-clad corpse being forcibly inserted into Scooby’s anus, head first…
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.