The Power of Gayskull, inspired by He-Man, written by RedBootAdam fell to the ground, out of breath. Man-At-Arms was being much too hard on him with all this training."I'm sorry, Adam, but this is the way it has to be," Man-At-Arms said with a sigh. "Skeletor could attack at any time, and both you and He-Man must be ready.""Man-At-Arms," Adam said, as he stood up. "I understand that. But this is too much. You're much too harsh. I always thought of you as a second father, but the way you've been acting lately has scared me. It's like you don't care about my safety."Man-At-Arms looked into Adam's eyes. "I've always cared about you, Adam. More than you will ever know. And now I'll show you."He wrapped his arms around Adam and drew him into a passionate kiss. Adam was startled at first, and thought about pulling away. But he could not deny himself. He too had wanted this for a long time.They removed their armor and clothes, and embraced each other in their nakedness. Adam began to kiss Man-At-Arms all over his body, and then Man-At-Arms proceeded to take Adam's manhood into his mouth, sucking it like a child would suck a piece of candy.After this foreplay, they conversed briefly, and it was decided that Adam would be the pitcher, and Man-At-Arms would be the catcher. Adam stood behind Man-At-Arms, and inserted himself into Man-At-Arms's waiting opening. He thrusted with all his might, and he heard Man-At-Arms moan in pleasure."This is incredible, Adam. I've never had sex this good."Adam smiled, his ego inflated by the praise."You have the power, my boy!"Adam lifted his fist into the air. "Yes!" he yelled. "I have the power!"And with these words uttered, Adam transformed into He-Man. His modest six inch penis grew suddenly into a foot long monster.Adam heard Man-At-Arms's anus rip."Oh god, it hurts!" Man-At-Arms screamed.Adam felt the blood flow onto his penis."Oh shit," he muttered.IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, inspired by The Superfriends, written by liquorhead"Form of an Ice Cube!” Zan shouted. He wasn't feeling very creative today. The Superfriends weren't talking to him or his sister anymore. Last time he called them, they just laughed and said, "We're The Justice League now, silly kid!" "Fuck them, all..." he muttered to himself. Sure the purple skin tight outfits were silly, and they had a stupid monkey as a sidekick, but they were sure better than Wendy, Marvin, and Wonderdog. He never understood that one.He dripped and dripped off the table. He never maintained his ice state more than a few minutes. Never got this liquid before. Gleek entered the room with a quizzical look in his eyes. He picked up the ice cube that was once Zan, placed it in his mouth, and crunched. Zan felt pain, but dare not transform back to his humanoid state, for fear of materializing into chunks of bloody flesh.The ice cube melted and drizzled down the blue monkey's throat. Zan felt himself merge with the simian blood and became energized. He always sensed he didn't belong with the humans anyway. He was now one with Gleek. An evolutionary paradox that would scare God himself.His DNA, ultimately stronger than the space-chimp's, took over and he was able to think, move, and even speak as the monkey. He walked to his sister's room, and she was there, changing out of her tights into a blue evening gown.Surprised, she said, "GLEEK! Oh...what are you doing in here?"Zan spoke through the monkey, "Jana, it's me, Zan...it's a long story, but I'm one with Gleek now. I'm no longer the man I once was. I'm maybe not even genetically your brother anymore."Zan never realized how beautiful Jana looked until that moment. She was his sister, but he couldn't escape the wicked thoughts that entered his mind. The look in her eyes suggested she sensed exactly what he was thinking. Even though he was a new species, the psychic bond they shared remained."I know what you're thinking, Zan...but it wouldn't work out.""Jana...sigh...I know... it's because we're brother and sister. But we never really knew our parents; it’s possible we just grew up together. I... I love you and as bad as it sounds, I want you now.""Zan, I feel the same way", she replied, "but, you're an animal now!"Zan had a glint in his eye, and swung out of the room, returning with the ring he wore when he was last in his human form. He put it on and touched it to hers, screeching, "Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!"After Jana exclaimed, "Form of, a big blue monkey!” Zan knew that tonight would be one he would never forget.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.