Smurfette's Sexual History, inspired by The Smurfs, written by Stick_FigI have relationships with lots of Smurfs.Brainy is the calm one. He calculates the exact moment I'll reach my orgasm, counts to three, and lets his tongue fall into the abyss. That's about the only time he shuts up when we smurf.Vanity -- oh, Vanity. He has a mirror on his ceiling. He's way too focused on how good he looks to actually, you know, smurf me.Jokey is pretty smurfy. You would think he would try to put some explosives under the bed or something like that (he tried it just once), but instead, he's playful. He touches my blue breasts, smurfs me all over, and makes me want to be a smurfy girl.Grouchy on the other hand? Oh fuck, he's just a pain. He smurfs me hard. He has no interest in foreplay. He spends far too much time smurfing back and forth about how fucking annoying I am, and then he cums in my face. He's rude; I rarely have sex with him.Hefty is sexy -- even sexier than all the other smurfs I've had the opportunity to smurf. Problem is, he's not gentle. He wants it all; he's too fast, too rough, and too hard to please. I just wish he would calm it down a bit.I have had herpes before. It was not a fun experience. Who would've known that out of a closed society with one female, STDs would exist?Gargamel tried to have sex with me once; his tiny cock was almost small enough to fit. He always tried that stupid bullshit with all the other smurfs. You know why he tries to capture us? He wants to smurf us. Especially the male ones. He always tries to pull down their white smurfy pants and then tickles them, watches as they have homosexual deviancy moments with one another, and just plain smurf it with me.He's an evil man. I'm a naughty Smurf. We have a lot in common.Papa Smurf is who I always go back to, though. Always calm, never too busy for me, I'll suck his blue cock until the semen sticks all over my face. It's like tears of joy for a naughty little smurf like me.Sometimes I wish that there were others, other smurfs just like me, who could take on some of the sexual load that this town desires. But then, it wouldn't be as much fun for me!Diary of a Soldier, inspired by Animaniacs, written by OorahAirForce10 Mar 61 We've been marching on this trail for several days now. Morale is constantly going downhill, but is it any different from any other time in this damn war? Wakko eats his goddamn MREs too fast and asks everyone else if they're going to eat one thing or another. Dot's taken to smoking, though it doesn't matter much to me. It doesn't concern me nearly as much as the fact that our platoon is using her for morale purposes. It's her choice, though. She better not come crying to me when we get back Stateside and she's got every goddamn STD in the book, and then some. The way she is now, she'd probably fuck an NVA if he offered.We had a short spat with Charlie yesterday. We lost Pinky and one of the Goodfeathers; they were buried as best we could manage. Supplies are getting a little low. The LT better know what the fuck he's talking about. If we get to our objective and there's nobody there to rendezvous with us, I'm going to plant my boot in the LT's ass.Almost time for my shift on night watch.12 Mar 61 Fucking NVA. We got ambushed by one of their squads yesterday. We killed 'em and took the ears as trophies, but we lost another of our men in the process. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here in the first place. I look at my M14 and think about my love-hate relationship with it. It saves my life, but takes others. Out here, the hippies' banter seems to make a lot more sense.13 Mar 61 Those gooks turned one of our claymores around on us. We lost Rita, Mindy, and a couple others. Wakko's leg got shredded in the blast, too. God, the screams... the screams will haunt me for years.Have you ever seen what claymore shot will do to a person's head? Especially if the pellets get inside the skull and start bouncing around without exiting? Steak tartar. Hah! That makes me hungry all of a sudden.Wakko's doing okay now, though. God... only 35 more miles to go, but it may as well be 3500. We're already down to just a handful. I don't know if we'll make it. I'm almost tempted to defect.17 Mar 61 Had to cross a river. Some open cuts in my skin are now infected with the putrid water. Wakko died yesterday. I can't believe it... my brother. I haven't shed a tear yet, though. Maybe it's the shock. Maybe I'm no longer able to feel. Maybe maybe maybe.Hah! Maybe I'll fuck Dot. Hey, everything else is going insane here.18 Mar~(?) Infecton geting bad. Hard to thnk sometimes. Have to stay focus, though. I am leader. Had sex w/ Dot. God, shes good maybe shell do it againgetting tiredMar Don't know what day it is. I woke up, and it's just Dot, me, the Brain, and Chicken Boo. Infection is terrible in my cuts, but I'm clear-headed right now. No telling when I'll slip into delirium again.Dot tells me we're surrounded by Viet Cong, but they don't know where we're at yet. Only a matter of time. I wonder what my mom's doing right now. God, oh God... it'll be bad enough if she gets the letter about Wakko... what would happen if she got three letters? Oh God, I have to live.-later- I just woke up. Had a dream about home when I was younger. Swinging on the swingset, playing with my siblings in the sandbox. Our father would come out and make snowmen with us in the winter. 'Course, that was before the semi accident.Mom already lost a husband and one son, I can't let myself or Dot die I just can't I just can't just can't.Here comes Dot.20?m big efrt to move pncil cant think strat vision blury help meguns smok screems whats hapengdots comming she has a gunblood on her ohgodbloodcant die cant die ca
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
One wizard thinks our President's magic control initiatives have gone too far.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.