The Final Show, inspired by Alvin and the Chipmunks"Simon, that was amazing," Alvin panted. "Naturally," Simon squeaked in response. Under the bed sat Theodore, a fresh necklace hanging through his adorable button nose, and a burning candle sensuously leaking melted wax into his gaping ass. The chipmunks' act had changed drastically since a radio DJ realized that they weren't actually singing, they took songs by others and played them at 500% speed. In reality, Alvin was much more like James Earl Jones, except with a bigger penis. Their new act had them going from gentleman’s club to gentleman’s club, fucking each other and a few lucky patrons every night. They had originally hated the job, but after their new boss Clyde Crashcup started getting the trio to experiment with different sexual fetishes, their level of enjoyment, and subsequently the attendance at their shoes, skyrocketed. Tonight, they were going to achieve the goal of every chipmunk stripper/sex toy - they were going to broadcast their show ON THE INTERNET. And they had a surprise that would shock the free world, as well as the members of the unfree world that had access to high quality pornographic web sites.They had warmed up as much as they could, they had practiced as much as they could, and they were as ready as they ever were going to be. There was a knock at the door. The chipmunks ignored it, they had lost all of their friends after it was discovered that they were musical frauds, and who opens the door for someone who isn't a friend? Another knock. "Fuck it," Simon muttered, and he stormed off to the door while trying to put out the fire that Alvin had lovingly lit in his hair. Another knock. "YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GOAT-FUCKING TURD, I'M COMING," he yelled, and then he opened the door. It was the Chipettes; Jeanette, Brittany and Eleanor. "You little cunts," Alvin roared, and he kicked them all in the face. He was angry that they had ditched him, and they were going to pay. Yes, they were going to fucking pay big time for their sins. But first, he had to get ready. He locked the girls, who had no idea what the fuck was going on, into a closet, and started to ready his almost infinite supply of dildos, clamps, female clothing, machines, exposed wires, buckets, small animals, school supplies, antifreeze, and KY jelly. But wait? Where was the KY jelly? How was he supposed to have hot sex with Theodore and Simon without his trusty KY Jelly? Fortunately, Simon had a solution. "Female eyeball juice works just as KY jelly," he commented while praying to Jesus that the show would succeed. Theodore wordlessly walked over to the closet, put his left index finder in one of Eleanor's eye sockets, and pulled until the little ball flew loose. Rubbing it against his flaccid member, he noticed that it was becoming quite lubricated! "Holy shit, you're right!" he exclaimed. "Naturally," Simon squeaked in response.***Three Hours Later***"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I PRESENT TO YOU: ALVIN, SIMON, AND THEODORE, THE AMAZING CHIPMUNKS" A booming voice boomed over the loudspeaker. The trio was ready. They walked in front of the webcam and started to gyrate to the beat of CPC Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat. They had perfected their opening strip show after many years of performing it, and tonight it was executed flawlessly, with a twist. The final removal of their oversized red, blue, and green collared shirts was done to, instead of being performed to Bee Gees - The Chipmunk Song, was done to the song that had originally made Alvin and his crazy band famous; the Christmas, Don't Be Late sing-a-long. Alvin slowly lifted his shirt up as the final lyrics roared by, revealing his fully erect penis, which had reached twelve inches in length after years of massage therapy and Chinese herbs. Theodore put his mouth below the penis, Simon sat below Alvin's ass. With a grunt and a hiss, golden streams started to spurt into Theodore's waiting face, while a brown mush sprayed into Simon. "Crap," Alvin thought "I wanted it to be solid so he could enjoy sucking on my body's waste." Alvin had not answered natures call for a week, so he kept on pleasuring Theodore and dirtying Simon's face. Both were enjoying themselves greatly, Theodore enjoyed very little more than the taste of his comrades slightly bloody urine, while Simon was realizing that Alvin's shit had much the same constancy as a well-cooked T-bone steak, with similar flavor. He started to shake in enjoyment.Once Alvin ran out of steam, he grabbed his favorite six-inch screw and plugged it into Simon's ass as Simon started to furiously insert his bursting penis into Theodore's mouth. Theodore, in turn, contorted himself so that he could stick his entire forearm into Alvin. In, out, in, out, the trio timed their thrust perfectly so as to ensure maximum enjoyment for themselves and the viewer. Soon they got sick of normal sex, so they walked into Clyde Crashcup's newest and greatest invention: The Fucktron 2k5. Complete with eight different types of mechanical dildos with adjustable speeds, three serrated chains that whipped around the contraption to ensure the maximum amount of sensual pain for the users, and three knives that would do the same, the world had never seen a machine so well-equipped to bring our three heroes to a complete orgasm. Alvin started to sit down on the fat white prong that was quickly zipping up and down, until he realized that it was not properly lubricated. He grabbed the eyeball that had been placed on a nearby shelf, and proceeded to rub it up and down all eight plastic bringers of joy. Finally, he sat down, and selected a serrated glass dildo to place his mouth over. The other two chipmunks found their favorite toys, and then they started the chains and knives. VRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM the machine replied. The chains and knives started to gain speed, and soon small pieces of chipmunk flesh started to fly everywhere. Simon could soon take it no longer, and he stopped the machine and collapsed. Alvin was livid; he had only just started to enjoy himself.Realizing that Simon deserved to die for stopping the machine, Alvin quickly concocted a plan that would give everyone involved pleasure. He grabbed the biggest bucket he could find, and marched over to the closet. While Theodore checked to make sure Simon was okay, Alvin busied himself with skinning the three female chipmunks and draining their blood into the bucket. After Brittany's lifeless arm spurted out the Chipettes' collective last drops of blood, Alvin dragged the bucket over to where Simon was slowly recovering. Yelling out the names of Inca gods, Alvin picked up Simon, and dropped him head first into the bucket. He then cut a small hole into Simon's hip, and proceeded to slowly insert his glistening penis into it. As the hole slowly gained size, Alvin gained speed, until eventually Simon's frantic spasms caused by his body trying to find oxygen in the blood were no quicker, nor more furious, than Alvin's thrusting. Eventually, they reached such a speed that Simon's body could live no longer, and so the third, and by far the smartest, Chipmunk drew his last desperate gasp of blood and died. Theodore was horrified, but he knew that he could not stand up to Alvin, so he slithered off of the stage. Alvin unplugged the webcam, and wiped himself off with a nearby towel."That was fun," he said to no one in particular.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.