WARNING FROM THE OFFICIAL SOMETHING AWFUL MEDICAL DEPARTMENT: The cool ideas presented here are those of posters from the Something Awful forums. They do NOT represent the opinions or beliefs of Something Awful LLC. We here at Something Awful do not endorse the extremely cool shit of eating three cough drops at once so you never have to cough again, taking a bunch of unlabelled pills and becoming invincible, running over a hovering pile of syringes to get a temporary 2x damage boost, etc. The following article is intended for entertainment purposes only.
The Something Awful Forums › Main › BYOB: an island of chill and magic in a sea of madness. › I took two One A Day Men's and now I'm fucking unstoppable
the condition of my prostate is immaculate. my first exam will look like the Sistine Chapel, but instead of Adam it's my proctologist, and instead of God it's a big blown-up .jpeg of my prostate
you look behind you to see the doctor clutching the blown-off stump that was his index finger
The real reason they don't want you taking more Tylenol than advised is that's how they make super soldiers who feel no pain.
I've created a machine that produces one Five Hour Energy every four hours. Finally... infinitely sustainable energy!
it started with flax seed and I wish to god it had stopped there. but no, there is always that insidious pull to go further, to replicate that first staggering hit of fiber and omega-3 fatty acids. grinding them up and snorting them was a no go. the suppository route was tedious and unsatisfying. what worked: sprouting those fuckers. a bowl of flax sprouts is like flax seed on crack (admittedly I did mix them up with a bit of real crack just for flavor). a bowl, two bowls, three bowls: my life counted out with spoons. the craving to up the ante returned, would not go away. so I let the seeds sprout longer, turn into small plants, and then bigger ones. I now eat bales of flax every day and it's goddamn amazing. my blood is now nearly pure linseed oil. I shit tablecloths. I am basically a horse.
drank more than the recommended daily dose of milk and now I have indestructible bones and bone claws
three blind monks take turns feeling my body, they all agree, there are two men there
after the birth of my child, i can't kick my by-now-crippling pregnancy vitamin habit. my hair gets longer and glossier with each fistful of them i shovel into my hand and then shovel, using my hand, into my mouth. my wrist, neck, and other points of peak blood pressure have developed tiny heartbeats of their own. my spine is starting to kick
I drank half a Red Bull for a spot-on Sephiroth cosplay
I can't get the same high off of gummy Flintstones anymore. I've had to step it up to eating real live Flintstones
I stumbled upon an overturned truck full of pepto bismol, the supply covering the road and the truck driver half-mad, face covered with pink.
Together we consumed the bounty, face first like dogs, lapping with extended tongues, grateful for this rare opportunity. Soon we were indistinguishable from the mess on the road, so enveloped in pink muck. Time has no meaning any more, all is pepto.
The truck remained on the road after the liquid was sopped up by our increasingly sponge-like tongues. What next? Indigestion and diarrhea are distant memories, and our physical selves are forever changed, now consumption is all. We set upon the wreck with our tube bodies, lapping up the miscellaneous liquid: oil, antifreeze, petrol.
Our task complete, we expelled our byproduct from a polished sphincter: vanilla scented mist that floats away, pollinating nearby flowers and rejuvenating the earth. All thanks to the bounty of pepto bismol.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.