Quote: “The much anticipated expansion pack for...”
Indicates: Hot tits, this is gonna include all those fixes we've been bitching about on their forums and should add another two years of life to this game that's been on life support since release just over a year ago.
True Meaning: You'll be paying $30 for another half-assed expansion pack full of things that could have easily been free downloadable content, and only a few of the fixes the game really needs. It'll spike the online server population for a month or two at the most and then be forgotten.
Quote: “Downloadable content available through our website!"
Indicates: There's going to be new levels, new maps, new everything after the game is out, making the purchase fully worth your $50.
True Meaning: We'll fix the game breaking bug about 3 weeks after the game's out, hope you guys aren't on 56K because it'll be a 186 MB patch. Also, hopefully this game will have some devoted mod/map makers, because the publisher isn't going to release shit. But there are some cool wallpapers to download!
Quote: “is dedicated to the online community and is making customer relations its top priority. We've seen where the big boys have made their mistakes, and we're certain that by listening to subscribers and paying attention to problems as they arise, we will deliver an online experience like never before.”
Indicates: This new company was started by gamers for gamers and these people know all too well the pitfalls that an MMORPG can fall prey to. Using years of experience this company is going to get their shit together on the first try and will actually create an online game that possesses every feature it lists, right out of the packaging.
True Meaning: We hear this MMORPG business is booming right now and we bet that if we can throw together some pretty looking pixels in a generic fantasy/gritty future setting we can get your fifty bucks. Squeal like a piggy fan boy!
Quote: (for a game based on a movie) "We worked hand in hand with the film makers to bring you a cinematic experience that truly lets you live the movie from start to finish. The screenwriter himself collaborated on the project, so this is more than just a movie tie-in: it's practically a sequel."
Indicates: You'll get to be all up in the movie, and will get a story just as entertaining and deep as the film. The director really cares about the game and considers it to be just as important as the movie. You'll need to play the game to fully understand the film.
True Meaning: Are you kidding? We put this game together in less than a year. We asked the screenwriter if people shooting at each other sounded okay with him, and he shrugged and said "sure". We called the director once to ask what a few of the locations looked like. Remember that one hallway in that one scene? And the woods someone drove by? We put those in the game.
Quote: "We took extra time to port this game to [platform] so that we could capitalize on [platform's] unique strengths with all new content and numerous bonus features!"
Indicates: Wow, there's some cool new stuff that's been added to the game. It might be worth getting into again on this other [platform]
True Meaning: You know how the player character had a blue jacket in the original? Well, on [platform] he's got a red jacket. A red jacket! It took a year and a half to implement these mind-blowing changes, but that's only because we fired the development team and replaced them with a bevy of mail-order brides imported from an impoverished former Soviet bloc nation. We're only releasing this port so that we can secure the filthy lucre to send back Natalya, since we're not sure whether s/he is a burly woman or a beautiful man.
Quote: "We at Newkidco/THQ/etc. have created an engaging edutainment title for children that allows them to interact with their favorite cartoon character [name] while developing critical thinking skills blah blah blah blah blah...."
Indicates: This game is good to buy for kids.
True Meaning: This game licks more anus than a jailhouse runt. We purchased a wacky license for it, so we have to stress the license instead of the game itself, because if we made a half decent game, the license aspect of it would be completely secondary in the press release and any previews you read. Sorry kids!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.