Quote: "Halo 2 is a lot like Halo 1, only it's Halo 1 on fire, going 130 miles per hour through a hospital zone, being chased by helicopters and ninjas ... And, the ninjas are all on fire, too."
Indicates: Jason Jones is a master of the English language.
True Meaning: Halo 2 will be the single greatest game of all time bar none.
(sorry for the fanboyism, I just fucking love that statement )
Quote: "A vast, living online world with over 500 unique NPCs. Communicate with millions of people online and work together to solve strategic quests and discover hidden treasures!"
Indicates: I can go online in this MMO and actually role-play. People will actually accomplish something meaningful in the game world. In-game quests and NPCs are actually worth your time, since all NPCs are given a priority.
True Meaning: All zones except BANKS and spawn farms are barren wasteland. NPC's are a cut/paste job of like 5 variations, with computer generated names. Forget communication - only couples and life-long friends ever group. All "strategic" quests are FedEx dungeon crawls and treasures are overrated crap.
Quote: “Reactive AI learns your movements and responds intelligently. Enemies will astound you as they flank, return cover fire, and even track footsteps!"
Indicates: Hot damn, this game is gonna make me think I'm online fraggin' suckas!!
True Meaning: Enemies will occasionally show something resembling actual skill. But most of the time, expect dudes to get caught up on trees, rocks, doorways and each other. Dudes might also randomly decide to start circle-strafing in place for 30-45 seconds as well.
Quote: “Our fully customizable and modular engine allows for an infinite user-created gaming experience!”
Indicates: Not only have we given you the game ofyou've been clamoring for, we also slaved away to produce an engine that is capable of being tinkered with by everyone from the casual gamer to the serious modder and game designer!
True Meaning: Our game is devoid of any content, but what the fuck, we've got a mod community and online play, let them make the game fun.
Quote: "This game features a seamless, in-depth storyline..."
Indicates: This is a great game with an interesting storyline that will keep you wanting to play it to find out what happens next. Get this game, it's Moby Dick in video game form!!!
True Meaning: Cut scene after cut scene after cut scene explaining the incomprehensible plot. Text speed will probably be slow as well.
Quote: “Battle your way through multiple unique and expansive realms!”
Indicates:The game has a varied setting that will keep you interested until the end!
True Meaning: Kill thousands of spiders in the forest! Then go over here and kill some scorpions in the desert! NOW YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE! THESE SPIDERS HAVE SPOTS! They're TOTALLY DIFFERENT AND INNOVATIVE! Don't you remember fighting scorpions?! That's completely different from a spider!
Quote: "Thirty unique mini-games will test your skills as you progress!"
Indicates: Alright, something to break up the occasional tedium of playing the same kind of game for too long!
True Meaning: The main gameplay experience is fantastically dull, and these mini-games are frustrating and required if you don't want to face the last boss with the Saucepan Hat and Battle Twig, but hey, at least they're different in that you are now getting into lots of fights directly after each other instead of spacing them out while exploring the over world!
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.