All I heard was "HEY GUYS, CHECK IT OUT!" followed by what appeared to be stunned silence, which was followed by the loudest laughter I've ever heard in my life. 30 nerds laughing at the top of their lungs, and then one anguished scream. Justin came bolting out of the Gulag.
"I better get the fuck out of here!" he said, grabbing Nicole's arm. Tom shot out from the back room and grabbed Justin by the back of the shirt, pushing Nicole to the floor.
"HEY! KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!" I yelled, standing up and moving to walk around the counter and stop Tom from wailing on Justin. It was too late; Tom's fist came down on Justin's face and he cracked him in the jaw. Justin had apparently made big plans for that photo, because the big stack of copies he'd made went flying everywhere, Tom's grinning, naked mug covering the floor. I moved to grab Tom's shoulders, but Justin wasn't having any of it. He kicked up and nailed Tom right in his tiny little testicles, which sent Tom to the floor in agony. Justin dropped to his knees and started wailing on Tom's face, battering his nose up and breaking out one of his teeth, surrounded by the photo.
"Wait, stop, dude, no." I said plainly, crossing my arms and standing there. By now a huge crowd had gathered and someone was frantically calling the police on his celphone, but nobody was moving to pull Justin off of Tom, who at this point had become a crumpled little bloody ball on the floor. Justin stood up and spat on him, turning back to help Nicole up off the floor. Tom started crying, curling into a fetal position. Everyone just stood there, watching him bleed all over the tile.
He deserved every blow. What an asshole.
That's it for this week's Goldmine. I won't be here next week, so you'll have OMGWTFBBQ back for a week of insanity and outright nonsense. See you in a couple of weeks!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.