Third Murderer

Am I right in thinking Egypt is called "Khem" in its own language?



A Nation of Laws

Yes. The Egyptians called their land "Khemet," which means "The Black Land." This refers to the flooding of the Nile valley every inundation season, turning the land dark and making it harvestable. Here's what Khemet looks like:

Also, the land is referred to as "Ta-wee," which means, "The Two Lands." This refers not to the east and west banks of the Nile, as some think, but to Upper and Lower Egypt. Upper Egypt is generally everything that is south of Cairo on through the first caratact, and Lower Egypt is the Nile delta, which is actually a huge area. The rulers who successfully united both of these two lands during their reigns are depicted wearing the dual crown of Egypt, like so:


Here, we see the goddess Maat, who is the personification of order and justice, wearing the White Crown of Upper Egypt and the Red Crown of Lower Egypt. She's second from the left. One of the main jobs of the king was to preserve maat (order, justice, etc.) in the land during his or her reign.



WildeVinyl

"My name is Osiris and I do not have a penis"



A Nation of Laws


Literally, it reads, "It is Osiris that is my name and I have no penis of mine."



MeaningOfLife

The sky is falling!



A Nation of Laws


This one is among the most literal of the translations I've done. It reads exactly "The sky is falling."



Bob_Socko

Please make "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts". If there is no hieroglyph for coconut, please replace it with mummy or crocodile or something awesome like that.



A Nation of Laws


I can't find the glyph for coconut, but this says, "I have a lovely bunch of sycamore figs."


Adolf Hepburn

"There are centipedes in your vagina"



A Nation of Laws




Large Farva

All your base are belong to us!



A Nation of Laws


I should clarify that I substituted the word pyramid for base, which I think is cooler anyway.)

I think this definitely qualifies as using a power for evil.



FelchTragedy

"Doom to the foreigner/stanger"



A Nation of Laws


I forget who requested this too: "It puts the lotion in the basket."




TYLER REX

my name is ozymandias, king of kings



A Nation of Laws


Here's my interpretation of this one. Ozymandias is the Greek name for Ramesses II, so I've used the prenomen of his royal titulary in this translation.

Also, lots of people requested "your poison womb is making heaven too crowded," so here it is:


I give you my translation. This took me ages!

Lots of people also requested "do you have stairs in your house?"


This translation is actually very close to the English version of the question, so I'm proud of it.



Eva

I have a big sheet of paper where I have foreign people write "welcome" in their language, so that everyone knows they're welcome at my place (ain't that the corniest thing?). I'd love it if you could translate "welcome" in hieroglyphs, I'd print it out and add it to the sheet, in case a mummy resuscitates and comes in for some grub.



A Nation of Laws


Here's the word for "Welcome!" I don't think your paper is corny; I think it's cool. :)



RFaraday

"I need no raisin."

and

"I am protected."



A Nation of Laws


I couldn't find the word for raisin, so I used grapes instead. This reads, "I require no grapes."

And a good one to end on: "I am protected" -

– Chris "Petey" Peterson

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.