So one day I show up for work and the dishwashers are looking at me all funny. Like they've got something to say to me but they can't say it just yet. Just then I hear some arguing. It's the owner's wife and daughter going at it. It seems that the daughter mistakenly wore a low neck top that day. Revealing what turns out to be a hicky on her breast and neck. That's right lady's and gentlemen: Weasel was here.
The owner's wife of course goes nuts on the girl. And the daughter is yelling right back at her. They've been through this before. Janet even had an abortion while in HS. Things simmered down when customers start to arrive. I'm quickly ushered out by the dishwasher and Dan outside. Weasel is there, sitting in his car.
Dishwasher: "Did you see the tits man?"
Dan: "You missed the best part. The owner's wife, practically ripped her whole shirt down in front of everybody when she saw that hicky. You missed out on a good show."
Me: "Hicky? What hicky? Man who'd give that skanky bitch a hicky?"
Around this time the dishwashers get called back to work. As soon as they go in, Weasel gets out of his car.
Weasel: "You guys want to see something?"
Dan and I are ALWAYS willing to see anything Weasel brings us, as it is usually some disturbing stuff. Weasel gets all giddy like he usually does when he's excited and pulls out: Janet's panties. They were blue DKNYs. We knew almost immediately that it belonged to Janet. It had to be, no one else in their right minds would want to bump uglies with Weasel. And only Weasel would be crazy enough to hit the owner's daughter.
Dan: (Knowing full well who's it is) "Who's are those?"
Weasel: (Unintelligible laughter)
Me: "Oh you sick twisted sonofabitch."
Dan: "No way. You didn't. When?"
Weasel: "Hellz yeah bro! Since last week! HAHAHA!"
Dan and I are standing there speechless. Weasel's been doing it with Janet for a week. Weasel lost his virginity to the penny nazi. We start to freak out.
And then Weasel lays the bomb on us.
Weasel: "Dude, I rocked her world bro. And you wanna know something? Those tits aint real."
BUM BUM BUUUMMMMM! (Dramatic horn music)
US: "NO WAY"
Weasel: "Dude, I've been to enough strip clubs to know fake tits. Those are fake. Hard as a rock bro and they're kinda lobsided when she'd nakid bro."
Dan and I are doubled over in laughter. This is too much information. Needless to say, we never look at Janet the same way ever again.
Ever since the big revelation comes out that he's dating the owner's daughter, Weasel thought he was the top of the world. His skinny ass would go struting around the back like he owned the place.
News spread quickly and soon everyone knew that Janet and Weasel were going at it. Even the owners knew. But there was nothing they could do - they could not control Janet, no matter how much money they threw at her.
Janet and Weasel started to get very bold. Thats what happens when you put two idiots together. They combine forces to create one super idiot. They started doing it in the storage room and bathroom. Once, before the day started, one of the busboys came to call me out. He led me to the employee bathroom/changeroom and pointed to the wall behind the toilet. There was make up on the wall. Janet's make up. In the shape of half her face, caked right onto the wall. There was only one way that her makeup would be smeared behind the toilet like that. I almost threw up right there.
The staff decided to have a little fun with Weasel. They couldn't do shit to Janet since she was the owner's daughter, but Weasel was fair game to all.
As we were sitting down to eat dinner, roughly around 11pm, when the cooks would whip up some big dishes and we'd all sit in the hall and have our meal, one of the kitchen helpers spoke up.
Kitchen Helper: "Hey Weasel, you like the fried rice?"
Weasel: "Yeah its pretty good bro."
KH: "Yeah we thought you'd like it. Have some more."
Little did Weasel know that his fried rice and side dishes were laced with copious amounts of Ex-Lax.
We knew for a fact that Janet and Weasel were going to meet up later that night (Weasel always let us know when he's about to get some.) Just about the time that he'd be getting off work and getting it on with Janet, the Ex-Lax would kick in. Hopefully at the critical moment.
Reassured that Weasel had eaten enough to ensure a chernobyl like melt down, we headed home and looked forward to tomorrow.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.