Dan: "... I know where Weasel is."

Me: "Oh yeah? Where?"

Dan: "He's in Vegas with Janet. They've been there for like a week now."

Me: "What the fuck is he doing there?"

Dan: "He lost all his money. He's living off Janet's money."

So the gist of it is, Weasel stole half a brick from Chris, sold all them drugs, took the money and split town with Janet to live it up in Vegas. BUT, the genius that he is, lost it all pretty much on the same day and was living on Janet's credit card.

This would have been all very anticlimatic to the saga that is Weasel, except the fact that Weasel decided he is going out in style. With Janet's (and therefore the boss's) money a mere swipe away on the ol' ATM, Weasel and Janet were living the good life. They rented a suite at Caesar's Palace ordered a shit load of booze and room service. And bought weed. From what I gather, the last thing Weasel did with his money is buy drugs. He bought drugs with money he got selling drugs.

It wasn't until later that it became apparent to the rest of us the damage that Weasel and Janet caused in Vegas. A few days after I had the conversation with Dan and Chris, Janet came back to work. Unlike before, Janet was quiet and subdued. A little broken if you ask me. Rumors started spreading and a conservative estimate puts their bill at Caesar's Palace, including gambling losses came out to around $60,000. Weasel made about $300 a week working delivery. Of that loss, almost all of it was Janet's money. I heard later that they only came back because their card finally maxed out and Caesar's kicked them out.

Chris beat the shit out of Weasel. Threatened to shoot him and Weasel supposedly ran out of his house in his underwear and down the street with Chris in hot pursuit behind him. Weasel crashed at one of his friend's places for a week hiding from Chris.

I thought that was that and went about my own business. It didn't really concern me anyhow. And then Weasel came back to work. Weasel. Came. Back. To. Work. That he had left without notice. With the bosses daughter. After having spent $60,000 of the bosses money.

Boss looked at Weasel with the most absurd WTF look I had ever seen.

Boss: "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Weasel: "Um... I work here."

Boss: "No! You don't work here you fuck!"

Weasel: "I never quit."

At this point the boss flipped out and lost it.
Boss: "YOU FUCK! FUCK! GET OUT YOU FUCK! SON OF A BITCH!"

Weasel: "I.."

Before he could finish the sentence the boss's wife came charging out from behind the counter and slapped him across the face with a fly swatter. I'm not sure what the profanity that was coming out of her mouth ment but it was enough to have the boss restrain his wife from killing Weasel with a fly swatter.

Dan ran to Weasel's rescue and helped shield him from the fly swatter. She kept on slapping him repeatedly with the swatter. Weasel ran out the back of the store, never to be seen at that restaurant again.

And that is how Weasel lost his job.


That's it for this week's Goldmine. Next week - erotic Harry Potter/She-Ra crossover fanfiction. I can't wait! Neither can you!

– Nick "Mayor Wilkins" Dunn

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.