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While packing for a backpacking trip last month I picked up a box of camping supplies in my house and underneath it was a spider so big it made me scream like a girl, throw the box down on it, and sob in horror for a few minutes.
Being 21 and having both a crotch rocket and a nipple ring, I used to ride to the beach topless to play volleyball. One time, after months of playing with my nipple ring, I went to block someone's spike. When I landed, I instantly had a sharp, hot pain on my chest. I immediately knew what had happened.
My nipple ring had gotten tangled on the net while I was jumping. When I landed, it ripped itself out of my nipple. It didn't go straight out, though, it was maybe even worse. The balls that were on either end of the ring had passed THROUGH my nipple, making the hole about four times larger than it should have been.
Completely bloodied, I showered off as best I could and drove home on my motorcycle, topless, with blood still rushing down my torso.
Now, it has healed but the nipple is about 3-4 times bigger than my nipple which had never been pierced. And it's ugly as sin.
My friend had a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's and we were playing tag in the big tunnel things, similar to the ones at McDonald's. I'm crawling for my life, as my friend is behind me getting ready to tag me. I really don't want to be it because the tunnels were so vast you could never find anyone. I take a sharp corner in the tunnel and suddenly in front of me was a giant lake of pee. I try and stop but it was no use, my face, jeans, and shirt were completely covered with piss. This was no small puddle. I got tagged by my friend who quickly crawled away. As I emerged from the tunnels everyone in the whole place was looking at me funny. I had to go home I was so drenched. I even had 20 tokens left that I didn't get to use that day.
Fuck you tunnel pisser.
A couple of months ago, I woke up early for AP testing (yeah, I just graduated from high school, shoot me). Got up, took a long shower, nice warm breakfast, then left for the school district's HQ. I get there, we sit and listen to a lady explain the AP English Lit exam, and then tells us to open our packets.
As I reach for the plastic seal, I feel something funky on my chest. I pull open the neck of my shirt and there is a FUCKING COCKROACH CRAWLING ON MY CHEST.
Best part was, I couldn't make a sound, I just...kinda picked it off and threw it on the ground. I still don't know how the fuck a cockroach got in my shirt. As far as I know, it just was crawling around that room.
Mad Pino Rage
I had terrible congestion and had to sleep with my mouth open. I woke up the next morning and I could see two curvy hairs floating in front of my face. Turned out to be a roach that was probably dancing all over my face and maybe in my mouth all night.
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.