I was at a friend's house. His cat was sitting on his couch and I was standing beside the couch petting it as I talked to my friend. All the while I was looking at the cat, then I turned my head to look at my friend and continued to do so as the conversation continued. I'd stopped paying attention to the cat, and maybe I accidentally poked its eye or something because I was distracted by this hiss and a stinging sensation in my hand, between my thumb and my wrist.
I immediately looked back at the cat, and it was staring at me with this, "you wanna mess with me, bitch?" expression on its face, and one of its claws was hooked into my flesh. I slowly moved my hand forward just enough to get the damn claw unhooked from me, the cat retracted its paw, and I was left bleeding and in pain.
It was far from the worst pain I've ever felt (I could talk about broken bone surgery, but I don't want to), but it definitely counts as 'out of the blue.'
In my first apartment it was really hot one day so I decided to sleep on the living room floor (which was right next to the kitchen, which had the AC wall unit). I even thought to myself *I hope nothing crawls on me during the night*.
Thank GOD I put a blanket down, because in the morning (and I wasn't wearing my glasses), I got up, and wondered why the floor was moving.... I put my glasses on and MAGGOTS. Thousands of Maggots. Just imagine the *plinging* sound from creep horror movies and you got it.
We had just as many flies the rest of the summer. I am convinced it was from a dead, decaying rat in the ceiling somewhere but I'll never know.
I'm just an unlucky guy, I guess. Not so horrifyingly so as some of the people posting here, but just generally unlucky.
In 3rd Grade I had come home from a neighbor friend's house, and ran inside the house, ready to get to my room and do awesome Lego-playing. I make it about halfway past the dining room table, in flip-flops, and suddenly I slip, breaking my ankle. My mom said she heard a snap like a flyswatter hitting a wall really, really hard. She was in the kitchen, 20 feet away. That was a fun 1AM trip to the ER (After all, my mom had almost finished cooking dinner, and no point in ruining a good meal, right? Ice was my lord and savior for 4 hours until we actually got to go to the hospital).
1. Bit down on a metal fork many, many times. Usually it happens when I eat alternating bites of medium-rare and potatoes (or similar combinations). Go to bite down hard on the meat, but it turns out to be soft potato...CRUNCH. Note to self: bite down AFTER removing fork from mouth.
2. Got stung by a wasp at age 7 or 8 when I went to scratch my ear. The fucker flew right in between by lower and upper arms as I reached back and stung the hell out of me.
3. At about age 9, a wasp stung me in the nose...on the inside. It was just flying by and decided it would be really fucking funny to do that. Then it quickly flew away, no doubt eager to laugh at my plight along with its hive mates.
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.