Mayor Wilkins here. There's not much to say about this week's Comedy Goldmine. I could make a joke or two, but that's the theme of this week's Comedy Goldmine, is jokes. Anything even vaguely humorous that I say here will be completely overshadowed by the jokes that are actually contained below.
So I'm going to shut the fuck up now and get to the jokes. Enjoy this week's Comedy Goldmine, as brought to you by forum goon therapy - "Jokes With Realistic Endings!"
UPDATE - Hey I know that some of these jokes may have appeared elsewhere on the Internet before they appeared here. I never said these were all original jokes. I never used the words "original content." A goon started a thread asking for people to tell jokes with realistic endings, a bunch of goons did, and I saw it and thought "hey, that's some funny stuff, I think I'll make it a Comedy Goldmine feature!" So I did.
SO HOW ABOUT YOU STOP E-MAILING ME CALLING ME PERSONALLY A DIRTY FUCKING LYING PLAGIARIST SCUMSUCKING ASSHOLE BECAUSE SOME OF THESE JOKES HAVE APPEARED ON OTHER WEBSITES OKAY? THANKS! THAT WOULD JUST BE SWELL!
That said, a few of the jokes were lifted from this page by a couple of goons. There are apparently maybe more scattered throughout other articles on that site. Read that article, you will love it, especially if you particularly enjoy this Goldmine. It's a very funny article, and the site seems to be pretty funny in general.
Now, on with the show!
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
The Pope is dead.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.
So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.
Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
Shit, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.