I just flew in from LA, and boy are my arms tired. This is because they had run out of carts at Charlotte Douglas, and I had to lug two extremely heavy suitcases all the way from the baggage carousels to my car. I think I might have pulled a muscle in my arm.
What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.
Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortable swim in.
These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bullshit, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question.
During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.
There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.
Three boys walk into the office of the head priest of their catholic school. The priest asks what they have done wrong. The three boys each answer "Nothing" and the priest says in frustration. "Then go do something wrong I'm busy here."
The next day each boy is brought back seperately. The first boy walks in and the priest askes "What did you do wrong?" The boy responds, "I gutted my cat" The priest is horrified and makes a note about the boy. When he regained his composure he said "Son you are deeply disturbed and need therapy but since you confessed to me you are forgiven and may drink of the holy water."
The next boy walks in and the priest warily asks "What have you done wrong?" "I killed my mom" he responds. The priest immediately calls the police but before the boy is arrested the priest says to him "You are very deeply disturbed my son but because you have confesseed this sin you are forgiven and may drink of the holy water" As soon as he does the police escort him out of the building.
Finally the last little boy walks into the priests office. The priests asks him "And what have you done my son?" The kid replies "I peed in the holy water." To which the priest said "Thank God. You didn't do something horrific like the other two. For confessing this sin you are forgiven and may drink of the holy water once we replace it with fresh water."
Epilogue: The boys eventually accused the priest of molestation. The priest was de-frocked and died alone, riddled with the guilt of one dead woman and three molested boys on his head.
As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
That's going to do it for this week's Goldmine! We'll see you next week, when the goons take turns creating images of you're not even reading this anymore, so how about I say we're going to make pictures of me fucking your mother and see how you like that. How's that? That's what I thought.
Rock legend David Bowie has changed his identity with almost every album. Can you remember all these classic Bowie characters?
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.