Fungah!

the mega man section's like 50 pages long lmao

YIKES Stay Gooned

it has to be one insane guy doing it because every death of every unnamed side character in every game is described in meticulous detail

Pablo Gigante

We have no time to argue!

Who: Milan

Source: Mega Man Zero

Notes: Character is immediately shot and killed after saying this line.

YIKES Stay Gooned

What?! How could he have overloaded my circuits?! Arrrggghhh...

Who: Violen

Source: Mega Man X2

Notes: Character explodes after these last lines.

Fungah!

oh fuck lmao http://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Last...n_Resident_Evil

NickRoweFillea

Noooooo!

Who: Umbrella Soldier 1

Notes: Killed by the mutated Birkin.

Fire...Fire!

Who: Umbrella Soldier 2

Notes: Is also killed by the mutated Birkin.

Fungah!

Well, I'll be damned. L.J., you sneaky son of a bitch.

Who: Carlos Olivera

Source: Resident Evil: Extinction

Note: Said after finding a joint before his truck blows up.

Black Baby Goku

Jesus Christ it even has Pokemon hacks lmfao

Fungah!

Goodbye forever ...

Who: Gold

Source: [Lost Silver]

Notes: In a non-canon hack game based off of Pokemon Gold/Silver, Gold progresses through what appears to be a netherlife, experiencing the chance to relive his life. After defeating the ghost of Red, he confronts the form of his old self, who says this line before vanishing, and killing himself. The game ends with a grave that states the words "I'M DEAD", heavily implying that the character has died.

Fungah!

(Now we're) Even...

Who: Rival (Silver)

Source: Lost Silver Hidden

Notes: Takes place in an extension of the story of Lost Silver (see above). If Gold chooses "No" when he is asked to turn back, he ends up back in Mt. Silver, where it is revealed that his Cyndaquil was the byproduct of his dying starter Typholsion. After leaving Mt. Silver's summit, he confronts his rival's (blind) Feraligatr, and defeats it using a technique that puts it to sleep and causes it to experience a nightmare that not only regresses it back into a Totodile, but kills it. After this, he speaks to Silver, who says the marked quote before vanishing. This version of Silver is most likely a mental apparation though, so these may not be his actual last words.

Fungah!

I told you long ago, Silver, either manipulate or be manipulated. Pokemon are nothing more than tools. People are nothing more than tools. After they've served your purpose, they're no longer useful ... MEWTWO. Kill him!

Who: Giovanni

Source: Tarnished Gold

Notes: Much like the aforementioned Lost Silver, this is a non-canon hack of Pokemon Gold/Silver, set in the perspective of the game's rival. However, it instead follows the story of how Silver tries to scramble his way through the Pokemon world, resorting to stealing in order to get on through the Pokemon League. Eventually, he ends up in Viridian City, finding it to be completely deserted. Entering the gym, he finds heavily mutilated bodies lying on the floor before witnessing Giovanni kill Gold and his Typhlosion. Giovanni then speaks the above sentence of how Pokemon and people are nothing more than tools for others, to be disposed of when their purpose has been served. After this, his Pokemon Mewtwo turns against Giovanni, killing him through torturing him then ripping his head off.

Fungah!

That's a good girl, Elise. Remember, be brave. Don't cry, no matter what happens. Otherwise your tears will call forth the flames inside you... Become a strong queen who doesn't cry no matter what happens. And... Live... happily...

Who: Duke of Soleanna

Source: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)

Note: Character is mortally wounded while shielding his 7-year-old daughter, Princess Elise III, from the explosion caused by the failure of the Solaris Project, which results in Solaris being split into two halves: Mephiles the Dark and Iblis. He carries Elise to the altar (where Silver subdues Iblis), sets her there and uses up his energy and the Chaos Emerald to seal Iblis inside her body. As the Duke is dying, he tells Silver to take her to a safe place, then, before he dies, he makes a promise to her, telling her in his final words not to cry, as crying will only release Iblis. That promise is later broken when Mephiles kills Sonic, makes her cry, and fuses with the released Iblis to form Solaris. After Sonic, now resurrected and in his super form, and accompanied by Shadow and Silver in the same form, defeats Solaris all at once, he is teleported with Elise to the birth of the Flames of Disaster, where she blows out its flame, erasing all the events of the game from existence. It is unknown what happens to her father now since she has blown out Solaris from existence.

Evil Eagle

What?! [Shadow: Good Bye, Doctor!!]] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!

Who: Dr. Eggman

Source: Shadow the Hedgehog (video game)

Notes: In the neutral ending of the game, Shadow kills Eggman.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.