[INT - Jerry's apartment, Night]
[Jerry is asleep. Cut to dream sequence with Jerry standing on the pier looking out into the ocean. A strange object appears out over the water, moving closer]
Jerry: What the?
[The object moves into view. It's a boat, but not any ordinary boat]
Jerry: The meatship?
[gradually a short stocky figure becomes visible on the bow]
[The meatship sends out a sausage tentacle which picks up Jerry and places him on the deck next to his friend]
George: Hey! Look at me!
Jerry: Oh my god, you're...connected to the deck!!
[The camera pans down to reveal a meaty growth over George's legs connecting him to the ship]
George: This is where I belong Jerry.
Jerry: Oh Moses smell the roses!
George: Join me, Jerry. The meatship is one of endless delights. Endless!
Jerry: [repulsed] Look at you! Look at your legs. Something...is going on down there!
[George looks down]
George: Want a bite?
[George reaches down and pulls a strip of flesh from his leg, eating it greedily]
Jerry: [disgusted] Okay! That's enough for me! So long folks, you've been great!
George: You can't leave Jerry. We won't let you.
Jerry: We? You and who else?
[The fibrous salami deck opens and Kramer, now half spare rib, lauches through it toward Jerry]
Kramer: Hey buddy! Try the roast pork!
[Kramer holds out his arm]
Jerry: I don't wanna try the roast pork!
Kramer: Who's gonna turn down roast pork a la K-Man? Giddyup!
[Jerry turns to run, but is stopped cold when he sees the cabin. There is a giant visage of Newman smiling smugly.]
[Jerry bolts upright out of bed in a cold sweat and realizes it was a dream]
[INT - Monk's Diner, Day]
[Jerry, George and Kramer are having lunch. George is eating meat again.]
Jerry: Boy you are not gonna believe the dream I had last night.
George: You had a dream too?
Jerry: More like a nightmare. You remember that joke we made about a ship made out of meat?
George: [Nervously] You had a dream about the meatship?
Jerry: Yeah, and it was like this living organism. The decks were made out of salami, and it had this sausage tentacle that picked me up and threw me on deck! You were there, Georgie. The ship...assimilated you and Kramer. I don't know, you were like attached with meats.
Kramer: Ayaya. What'd I do?
Jerry: I think you and George were addicted to the meat. I think the ship lured you both there with promises of succulent beef and pork products, and then...SNAP!!
George: That was...that was my dream too...
Jerry: Get out!
George: [hesitant yet defiant] You listen to me, Jerry. That was the most wonderful feeling. I felt like I finally belonged! I've been searching for that my whole life. And the meatship gave it to me!
Jerry: That's what you said in the dream!
Kramer: George, was there pulled pork? I can't get enough pulled pork. I don't know what it is! The savory sauce just integrates with that pork so perfectly. I've never been able to turn down a pulled pork sandwich. In fact, if I could live in pulled pork, I would do it.
Jerry: You would?
Kramer: IN A HEARTBEAT! YEAAHH!!
George: You know something, I think you're jealous.
George: JEALOUS!! JEALOUS OF MY NEW MEATFRIEND. WELL I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU HORN IN ON IT. NOT THIS TIME JERRY.
[George begins to have dry heaves.]
Jerry: Oh my god are you puking?
[George panics. He places his hand in front of his mouth and begins to pull out a raw slice of bacon]
Jerry: [repulsed] Is that...raw? Where did that come from?
George: OH MY GOD! SALMONELLA! TRICHINOSIS!
[George races up to an old man sitting at a nearby booth]
George: AM I SUSCEPTIBLE TO ANY DISEASES? SHOULD I GARGLE MOUTHWASH? WHAT CAN HAPPEN?!
[George runs out onto the street screaming]
Jerry: Well I've never seen this one before.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.