> Turn on the radio, say "I found the plane, it's--AUGH HE'S KILLING ME AAAUUGGGGGH" and then hang up
> Shoot flares into the air non stop and drink more sea water. When approached, say "It is an emergency because I am getting sick off of sea water I am drinking. Please help me." and drink more sea water.
> fill vomit-and-blood-stained boat with gasoline, hide in other boat. when security arrives, toss flare into other boat and collect loot.
> offer the remaining security guard a glass of sea water
> Grab the machine gun, become Rambo
> Use this surprise to jump over to the other boat and swing the machine gun around to take out the remaining guy. Tearfully ask why they couldn't just accept you being gay and loving seawater.
>Pick up radio
>>"Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?"
> PUT ALL THREE OUTBOARD ENGINES ON THE GUNBOAT
> Turn on the radio, say "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho", then hang up.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.