Holy Diverticulitis

you were the waitress at the diner and i laid out ten singles and was going to remove them one by one if you gave me bad service, but you earned all of them, and i didn't know what to do in that case because it's literally never come up on the restaurant-eating boards i'm a member of (including the one i mod), so i tried to stuff them into your waistband. you screamed because my hands were cold and then you ran away when i said i was The Iceman and clacked my teeth at you.

WET BUTT

You frowned like you didn't like me smiling at you, and then you drove away, and your bumper sticker said "do not post this on missed connections" and i looked you up on ancestry.com and your ancestors wiped out almost all of mine and did pee on them and stuff, but im still thikngin theres something here. hit me up & tell me what hootie song i was listening to

animal drums

m4w, you were on the bus reading people magazine, i spit on my finger and i put it into your ear, and you slapped my hand and yelled. i was the one who was saying "yo dog, its on dog" and then after i kicked your purse i was the one who said "i aint even playin". was there something more to this? send a text to your phone, i have it.

WEREWAIF

I was working on a street mural that was a picture of a vietnam era us soldier with his gun replaced by a smartphone. you were doing recon for a wheatpasting project of ronald mcdonald holding an obese black toddler. I couldn't talk to you because i was brought to tears by your art. and you were wearing metal shoes that made it so that you could barely lift your legs from the ground when you tried to "walk." I was also looking into a mirror and thinking about which plastic surgery to get.

manyak

m4w Bingo hall the bingo announcer said the number 2 and we both started doing the "who does number 2 work for" scene from original Austin Powers . PM me with a screencap of tom arnold from that scene if you are serious about hanging out and listening to my reasons why i have netflix instead of cable

Ah Pook

you were the cashier at cost plus world market with exquisitely maintained cuticles. i was using all of the 7 loopholes in female psychology on you at once and wearing several different sex pheremones but you just told me to keep moving so that you could help the next customer. i guess you're not actually a female


WET BUTT

you sniffed my serum and became my boy toy but i accidentally left you at whole foods. please follow the piercing sine wave home and beg your queen to put her fine fucking feet in your face again.

animal drums

you were driving on the highway in the next lane over from me on wednesday. i cut your tires with my james bond tire blades, and you crashed into my car pretty hard. we pulled over, and i put a tracking device on your car. you started to say something but my car still worked and i drove away from the scene of the crime.

WET BUTT

You frowned like you didn't like me smiling at you, and then you drove away, and your bumper sticker said "do not post this on missed connections" and i looked you up on ancestry.com and your ancestors wiped out almost all of mine and did pee on them and stuff, but im still thikngin theres something here. hit me up & tell me what hootie song i was listening to

WET BUTT

i poured gasoline all over the gas station because it seemed like you hated pushovers but it really turned out that you were wearing a pullover type of sweater and i had made too many linguistic abstractions.

WEREWAIF

i saw you at the gas station. i was wearing a pullover. you were a man. I was a mere abstraction of dna shooting through you and the air at millions of miles per hour, i tried to get your attention by making the light brighter for 1 thousandth of a second but you didnt seem to notice

WET BUTT

You broke my heart after 3 months of feverish dating but you had no idea that i actually made that happen on purpose and i wanted you to do that to me as training for my biathlon career which requires emotional fortitude in addition to physical strength and now you want to get back with me because im hypnotizing you using a secret vowel technique

WET BUTT

You were at a party and the sun was rising and you told me to love myself unconditionally and i went out and won all the self love competitions at the olympics and now im going to show you all my self love trophies and prove to you that im the winner and then i spun around really fast in my bedroom after i posted this ad

WEREWAIF

I saw you at the self love trophy cup, I was too shy to say anything cause I was transmogrifying into a deluxe metal bass who sang at passerss by of my wooden plaque. "don't worry... be happy"

animal drums

you were at BK with your own car, getting the new Angry Whopper sandwich and wanting to be my girlfriend. i was at home without any pants on and watching the movie Rango in regular definition on my tv that is the glass screen kind. you probably didnt notice me, but ive been seeing the ads for the Angry Whopper and i was wondering how it tasted. if youre reading this bring me 2 of the whoppers, one order of onion rings, and one order of handjob style sex with you.

WET BUTT

you picked up fake cat poop on the sidewalk and i thought it was real and i started screaming and you were laughing and you threw it at me and walked away and i realized it was fake. please pick me up from this desert and kiss me every day.

– FYAD

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