Today I saw some rather large girl in TIGHT LEATHER PANTS, talking to her VERY large mother about paying someone to dance with her, and how much would be appropriate.
They agreed on $40 (Canadian).
A friend's sister's boyfriend Jack was driving near a native reserve when he saw a protest put up by a local native tribe with the intention of stopping traffic going over that part of the land which was important to them in some way. Their chief decided to sit in the middle of the road as the ultimate sign of protest. Unfortunately, he sat not in the middle of an intersection, but about 15ft away from an actual intersection.
Jack turned the corner and hit the native chief. Obviously, the natives were really pissed so he kept driving and called the cops. No charges were pressed.
I was getting off the train one night, and started walking up the platform towards the stairs to walk home. In the middle of the platform was a large Hispanic woman, bent over at the waist, pulling down her pants with her left hand and then pulling aside her thong as a torrent of fluid gushed out of her (think like a thumb over a water hose). Later, I could only imagine that she must have been pregnant and her water was breaking then and there. It's the only way my mind can conceptualize the situation.
But that's not the best part- in her right hand she pulled out a cellphone, opened it with her chin and said:
Texas has a large population, in both connotations. In central Texas there is a place called Schliterbahn, touted to be one of the best waterparks in the nation.
Back in my more naive years I frequented the park as much as my parents would allow.
On this one occasion I decided to go into the wave pool. These waves are a good three foot, and that's huge when considering a six foot wave length, possibly bigger.
However on this one occasion I had the stupidity to go under the waves. When I came up for air I kept bumping into someone's fat ass. So I swam a little ways and still couldn't come up for air. This went on for about five tries when I finally reached the surface. I finally realized what had happened.
A family of whales each about 300lbs on average had formed a cholesterol molecule using their bodies and yellow inner-tubes loosely connected by ionic fat hand holding.
Nearly fucking died.
I was probably about 15 at the time and we were somewhere in Missouri, we were staying at my Dad's girlfriends aunts house or something of that effect. We were near a golf course and a river where people go tubing if any Missouri Goon's are in here. Aside from witnessing a man blow off a part of his hand while holding some type of firework he just lit, I saw probably the dumbest accident I've ever seen. That's if you even consider this an accident.
We just got done tubing down this extremely jagged rocky river, and people were swimming everywhere and tubing about in probably about 3-4 feet of water, out of nowhere a man was standing on a cliff about 20 feet up and drunkenly yelled something down below and dove head first into about 3-4 feet of water. All of this happened while his friends were yelling, "DON'T DO IT, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF".
I think I saw his brain.
I just don't understand what the fuck he was thinking diving into 3 feet of water on the most jaggedly rocky river I've ever seen. Long story short the flight for life came and whether he lived or died is an utter mystery to me. I would most likely bet on the latter.
There were more drunken rednecks in that area than I have ever seen in my life. Tubing down a river with a 12 pack tied to a rope while going extremely fast was dumb enough I thought.
I used to live in Oak Park, IL, the first 'burb west of Chicago. One night I was taking the Green Line into town. As we pulled into some stop along the way (Kedzie or thereabouts) I saw a large black man on the opposite platform standing kinda funny, sorta half-squatting. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out some kleenex, wiped his ass and dropped it into the steaming pile he'd just made on the platform. He pulled up his pants and walked away without a second thought.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.