This story is from about 9 years ago. In central Texas we were having some pretty bad storms, with tornadoes rated up to F5. I was working part time at McDonald's. (Gotta pay for school some how.)
So, there my co-workers and I were. The middle of the day in a store with huge glass windows for the entire front quarter of the building and out side the wind is knocking down trees and golf ball sized hail is pouring down. My manager tells us all to stay away from the windows as they are starting to shutter pretty bad. Most of us were just there because we were stuck because of the weather.
So the four of us that are left are staying away from the windows, but looking out and we see a tornado over the next hill touch down. Lo and behold at this time a women pulls up, is unable to order through the drive-thru speaker as all we can hear is the sound of wind and rain. She pulls up to place an order. Now my manager tells us to just take the order and get her out of there because if you are willing to drive outside with tornadoes touching down that you are not going to be denied your Big Mac.
I saw many people that failed at life at that job, but that is the one that stood out the most.
On Monday I was out taking a walk on my lunch break to see a homeless man had made a little picnic spread for himself right on the sidewalk at the corner. He was sitting on a soiled blanket, with his back up against the side of a building. His shoes were off, his legs were crossed, and one hand was in a bag of Doritos. He looked just as casual as could be; he even had a napkin in his lap to catch the crumbs.
I went hiking at the Greenbelt today (it's a nature preserve inside the city limits) and on my way back I passed a couple hiking to one of the waterfalls. The man was carrying a tiny backpack, his 5'6 wife/girlfriend was dragging the cooler full of beer. The cooler got stuck on a root, which somehow managed to make her fall, spilling some of the beer.
He was a real gentleman though. He ran over and picked up the 2 cans that fell out, while glaring at me as I walked by. His wife had to get up on her own.
I was recently sitting on the top floor of a double-decker bus and I heard a woman from downstairs ordering her kids to get up the stairs whilst it was moving, which is not particularly easy - it's not a smooth ride and I find myself holding onto the rails tightly. The kids appeared on their own and were both under the age of five, and a man with his own child sitting nearby had to keep an eye on them to make sure they didn't fall back down the stairs.
About five minutes later the woman from downstairs started screaming on the kids to come back down the stairs (again whilst the bus was moving - they could easily have fallen) and as they got off the bus she shouted in the face of the little boy for not moving quickly enough and moved off with the other child and a pram whilst leaving him standing behind and wandering in the opposite direction only for another stranger to guide him back to his horrible mother.
I saw a bloater last weekend. Like you've never seen.
It was a lovely warm day, sun shining and all that goodness. Girls wear less, which is always nice. Chavs wear long shorts with no shirts showing the world what meth and steroids combined can do to a human.
And then there was this woman. 'Showing some midriff' seems to be popular with the females these days. But there is a fucking limit, people. If I had been naked, I wouldn't have been able to show as much flesh as this woman, and she was mostly clothed. And while you're probably picturing a hamdestroyer with a big round tube of meat hanging over her trousers. No. Worse. I'm guessing her belly button was pinned to her spine, because it just created a huge void, and these two huge asscheek looking slabs of meat either side.
It literally looked like an arse. A fat one at that. Luckily I had my shades on, because my eyes were probably like that cartoon dollar-sign eyes gag, only with pallets of lard.
I watched a 13 year old boy dressed in a blue t-shirt with the Power Rangers on it and short jean shorts doing dancing/ninja/ballet moves in front of a large crowd waiting for a show at SeaWorld to start while "Who Let the Dogs Out" played in the background.
His parents watched too, his mother clapping and yelling praise while his dad looked embarrassed, I'm not sure if it was because of his son's effeminate dancing or if he realized he was wearing a shirt with a confederate flag on it that said "Its History, not hate" with shotguns crossed.
These people were so hideous that Cliff Yablonski himself just burst into my house and shook me by the hand for giving him unlimited inspiration and hope. I too wish to pass on some words of appreciation, and they are focused directly upon all the forum goons who contributed this week. Focused like a concentrated laser beam of love (the laser beam is pink, the color of love). Join me and my helpers next Tuesday for yet another enthralling edition of the Comedy Goldmine. An online dictionary defines "enthral" as "To hold spellbound; captivate" which clearly sums up these articles. Also, a Google image search for the same word produces a lot of terrible World of Warcraft images. Check them out for yourself and use them to entertain friends, family members or business partners while you wait for the next Goldmine to appear online.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.