Cashier: Listen carefully. You may ask one question and one question only. One of us cashiers always tells the truth and one of us always lies.
Customer: So...you must be the one that always tells the truth.
Cashier: Um...fuck. Could you just...turn around for a second?
Customer: I'm gonna buy this apple
Customer: then I'm going straight to the doctors office
Customer: I'd like to return this please.
Me (working joystick delicately): Be with you in a second...
Customer: Ok, but this will only take a second!
Me (finalizing joystick positioning): Alright, if you could just stay still for one more second *grabs customer from above with giant crane machine claw and lifts them up and then over a trash chute*
Customer: What the hell! *drops into chute*
Me: Next customer!
This customer came up to me and ordered a coffee. Immediately, I was filled with indignation. Why was I getting his coffee? Out of peer pressure, I went and poured it. But I got back to this guy and -- get this -- he pulls out a five dollar bill, handing it toward me.
Naturally I laid into him. "What the fuck are you doing? Don't you realize by exchanging money for goods and services, you're supporting capitalism, a system through which the endgame will be the total control of the bulk of humanity by an unstoppable caste of elite controlling all wealth? Do you really want that blood on your hands?"
He just stood there staring like a big dumb idiot. I threw his coffee on the ground and stormed into the back.
Customer : Hey which of these prices are corre...
*I depants the customer in front of everyone*
Me: Haha! You look like an idiot right now!
Customer: Noooooooo... *sobs*
customer: duh durrrr I will have chocolate ice cream
me: sorry sir this is a mcdonalds drive thru
customer: bluh bloo I thought this was a ben&jerrys
me, rolling eyes: you goddamn people are so literal, it sickens me
customer (pooping pants): so uh could I get that ice cream then
me, savoring my power over this fool: you may have cherry garcia in recognition of someone far better than you will ever be
Customer: You get my order wrong. It's not correct.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me fix that.
Customer: Also, I'm Bill Cosby, the controversial man.
Me: Oy vey.
Customer: Do you need my social?
Me: No, you idiot. I don't need your social. If I needed your social I would ask for it. Jesus.
Me: Yeah, I bet. Sorry for asking another stupid question and making me waste my time and breath answering you. Just, maybe, I don't know, think before you speak next time.
Customer: Okay, sorry.
Me: Whatever. What's your case number?
Customer: I don't know it.
Me: You don't have your case number?
Me: You're a real piece of work, you know that. You must have some giant balls to call us without your case number memorized or right in front of your dumb dumb face. Your time's so much more valuable than mine that you can be bothered to do even a baseline of work before engaging in this agonizing interaction. Is that it? You're just better than me?
Customer: No, I-
Me: Save it. I don't need you to lie to me.
Me: *sigh* What's your social?
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
We were able to recently sit down and interview the men's rights icon, Jordan Peterson, in this exclusive interview.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.