listen, i do not "rob" people, i "accept donations" from people who enjoy my avant-garde shouting and gun-waving performance art. some days, when donations are slow, i discharge my firearm just to add a little extra "pizzazz"
i'm sorry, you don't think i should make a living entertaining people? you don't think i should follow my dreams, is that it? wow, thanks "dad"
listen, do you know how many dogs police shoot per year? most of them for no reason? yeah i know there aren't any dogs in this bank right now, but what if one came in? there are street dogs. do you want that on your conscience? that poor dead police-shot dog?
haha no this is just a performance art piece I'm doing, you're all doing great, especially the older woman who is acting like she's having a heart attack over there
haha what? these masks? have you seen what's going on with politics these days? we just wear these to remind people that electing a president is a serious matter. heh heh I am not a crook! no really I'm not.
big black turnout
didn't any of you see the branch i was holding vertically when i yelled "this is a stick up"? gosh
no they will not
Nothing you could give me could satisfy me. I do not desire money. I am merely here to partake in the pure joy of killing. My gun thirsts for blood. My name is not important. All of you will pay. I am the angel of death. and this big dollar sign bag just has uh my laundry in it
Hello, I'm the bank robbery procedure inspector here for your annual robbery drill. In the event of a real robbery, you should all remain calm and comply with the robber, so let's practice and make sure you're ready. For this drill I will be playing the bank robber. Now put all the money in the bag. Yes, really do it. Act exactly like this is a real robbery, but of course it isn't. DID I STUTTER? PUT ALL THE MONEY IN THE BAG BEFORE I EXECUTE YOU ONE BY ONE! You're all doing great.
me: (entering my ski cabin house and hanging my balaclava on the hat rack) honey! i'm hoooome!!
wife: how was the bank? can't wait to try the new credit ca -- uh, honey
wife: look down
me: (looking down at my hands, i notice i am carrying several overflowing sacks of $100 bills) fuck! it happened again! fuck!!
*being dragged away by the police*
what the hell!! IT WAS IRONIC!!! I WAS BEING IRONIC!!!
Hey, friends! Steve Mnuchin is taking a trip to the money. Let's go with him!
Those NFL players have really stuck their knees in it this time!
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.