regis: and now heres the $500,000 question. which one of these is most valuable in life?
me: uh... fuck
regis: so you wanna be a millionaire?
me: sure i guess.
regis: eckssell-*clears throat* excellent! i just need you to sign a few things and answer a few questions
me: but i already answered a question
regis: *eyes flicker* what's a few more?
me: is this one of the questions?
regis: is that your final answer?
me: hmm this is a hard question but i think my answer is c
regis: is that your final answer
me: if you think about it what certainty is there really in life. whats here today may be gone tomorrow in an instant. all we can hope for in life is to keep moving forward, without regrets
regis and me back stage after i win the big bux, aka the millions.
regis: you must be quite excited to be a millionaire
me: yes i am quite excited regis.
regis: hehe i bet... *pulls a lever which opens a trap door under my feet. i fall into a pit of money where i am trapped for the rest of my life.*
Regis: Alright Leon, here we are, the 500,000 dollar question and no lifelines left. Are you ready?
Leon: Ready as I'll ever be!
Regis: Alright. You're in a desert, walking along the sand, when all of a sudden you look down. You look down and see a tortoise, Leon. It's crawling towards you. You reach down and you flip the tortois over on its back, Leon. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help.
A) I'm not helping
C) My mother
D) Alienation through proceduralism
okay lets wait while the audience inputs their answers
78% of the audience says the moral of the story "the man the boy and the donkey" is.....
b. do not bow down to peer pressure
*me waiting for my turn on the show, my eyes scanning over my nervous family and friends, dollar amounts flashing in my mind as i look them over*
Hey, friends! Steve Mnuchin is taking a trip to the money. Let's go with him!
Those NFL players have really stuck their knees in it this time!
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.