I get the following conversation once a day.
Customer: I want to know why I didn't receive my bill.
Me: We sent it to XXX, is that your address?
Customer: No, I've moved. Why didn't you send it to my new address?
Me: Did you call us to update your address?
Customer: No. What does that matter? You should have sent it to the correct address. This is why I should cancel my account. You people are incompetent.
I hate these people. How do they survive in the world? We can only update your address when you call us or write us to inform us of the change.
It seems to me that most people lose all rationality when it comes to public transportation.
I was on BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) and the last train at a one-way platform was about to leave. Everybody on the platform got on the train, except a couple standing outside, going all over the schedules.
The driver got on the loudspeaker:
"This is the last train out of here. Please board."
The couple didn't respond.
"This is the LAST TRAIN. If you're going anywhere from this station, please board."
"THIS IS THE LAST TRAIN. GET ON THE TRAIN."
"THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO LEAVE!! PLEASE PLEASE ___PLEASE___ BOARD THE TRAIN!"
*Still staring at their schedule sheet*
"HEY! THAT MEANS YOU PEOPLE ON THE PLATFORM! BOARD THE FUCKING TRAIN,OR I'M LEAVING NOW!"
They finally got it. They boarded, and sat right next to me.
The guy just had to ask me:
"So, we're from out of town. Is this the last train or what?"
I answered in the affirmative and then promptly moved to another car.
Building on this, people who know nothing about computers in the first place trying to use an online service that can require HTML knowledge to make pretty. They also tend to be illiterate, I guess, because we've had people ask questions similar to one posted before. "What do I put in the name field?"
We do support over a chat service, and I've had a few gems:
"How do I copy?"
(followed by) "How do I paste?"
(after giving step by step instructions to do something relatively simple)
"Can you say that again?"
It's a chat box. Scroll up. I hate you so much.
The people who email us asking for account cancellation confirmation are also fucking irritating. They receive a confirmation in the browser when they cancel, and an automatic email is sent to them, also confirming cancellation, and telling them how to reactivate if they wish. Half the time saying "you should have received an email upon canceling" makes them go "yeah, but I just wanted to make sure."
And the ever-boggling "Is this a scam?". Would we tell you if it was?
This was when I was working at a Sunglass Hut
Customer: How much are your cheapest glasses?
Customer: Where are the ones that cost less than $80?
Me: .....Do you mean the cheap sunglasses at Walgreens or something?
Customer: No, I meant from here.
God I hate retail. People ask you the stupidest shit.
Best one ever from about a year back.
I'm a mcslave, maintenance actually. Manager slipped me on presenting window.
Lady pulls up, I give her the stuff she ordered and she stops me to ask...
"Do you have anything, you know, actually healthy on your menu."
I gave her an empty cup and left.
: Mommy! I want this game!
: Okay. Excuse me, I want to buy this game for my son.
: All right. Oh, this is Resident Evil 4. Are you sure you want to buy this game for your son?
: Why wouldn't I want to?
: Your son looks pretty young. (He looked about 6) This game is rated Mature because it has a lot of blood and gore. It's also pretty creepy.
: How bloody is it?
: Decapitation is the least of your worries in this game.
: Okay, I'll buy it.
A few days later...
:Excuse me, J2DK! You sold this game to me for my son and it's so violent! Why would you sell this to me for such a young child?!
ME: Thanks for calling previously mentioned lingerie call center, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: My panties don't fit that I ordered, and I want to exchange them.
ME: I'd be happy to help you with that, if I could just...
CUSTOMER: Excuse me!
CUSTOMER: As I was saying, my panties don't fit and I want to exchange them.
ME: Yes, ma'am, Can I just verify your..,
CUSTOMER: EXCUSE ME!
ME: ..yes ma'am?
CUSTOMER: I would like to order a size small.
ME: Okay, can I verify your...
CUSTOMER: Get your supervisor on the phone!
ME: umm, sure, ma'am, are you sure I can't help you?
CUSTOMER: Well, no, not when you keep interrupting me!
ME: interupting you?
CUSTOMER: Yes, its incredibly rude.
ME: Ma'am, i'm not interuptting you.
CUSTOMER: Yes you are! Every time I try to speak, you interupt me. I want to speak to a supervisor because obviously
your too rude to help me.
ME: Ma'am, I wasn't interrupting you. You stopped talking so I responded.
CUSTOMER: I wasn't done talking!
ME: Interruption is when one person is speaking and the other *click*
I used to work in the office at a state park. Our particular park was one where you drive a short distance to the parking lot and then, *GASP* get out and walk.
I cannot count the number of times that I would hand someone a ticket, and then have them return in their vehicle five minutes later to ask where the pool or trails were. Well hey, the pool is straight ahead, maybe you'd see it if you got out of your mini van!
Also, the people asking me when other parks pools were open. Goddamn it, call yourself. I have twenty cars lined up outside because it's a gorgeous Sunday, I haven't peed in six hours, and I have dual ticket/phone duty.
Oh god, and there was this one time- a slow day- where I got this call from a woman wanting to know what the weather at the park was like, given that she lived an hour or so away. I told her that it had been raining a little that morning, but the sun had just come out. She seemed pleased.
An hour later it's sprinkling again, two cars pull up, and I go to take their money.
"Hi, how are you doing, it's seven dollars please!"
Cue look of bewilderment.
"But we just called and they said it wasn't raining. We still have to pay?"
"Well, no, it wasn't raining... but it started again."
"But the girl on the phone said it was really nice out!"
"Yes. It was. Now it is not."
"We still have to pay?"
"Yes maam, I cannot control the weather."
"But you said it was nice out! I want to speak to a manager!"
Fucking christ on a cross. I had to flag down one of my superiors to tell these bitches that they weren't gonna get in for free just because it started raining an hour after my initial statement. And it took the guy FIVE minutes to drill this into their heads. Fuck, I hate stupid people.
I work at a hotel and the one thing that happens SO often that it makes me weap for the future is this scenario:
Customer: "Hi, do you have any rooms available for the August long weekend?"
Me: "No, I'm sorry we don't"
Customer: "Do you know if there are going to be any cancellations?"
I REALLY want to say "Yes there will be, somebody is going to cancel at 5:37pm on July 30th, please call back any time after that", but my boss said no
After last christmas, the seasonal stuff had gone on clearance and was down to 90% off. A lady picks up something that was orginally $15 and asks me what the price was. So i quickly tell her it's $1.50. Well she just laughs and stares at me. Then after little bit of akward silence she asks if i'm gonna scan it for the price or not. So i tell her that i don't really need to, considering i already know the price. She literally doesn't believe that i could have possibly figured that out in my head. I try to explain that 90% off means you only have to pay 10% and that figuring 10% of something was easy because all you have to do is move the decimal place over. She stares at me blankly and thinks i'm still joking. So i finally give in and scan the stupid thing for her and when i show her the price on my scanner she says "oh, good guess!"
When I was a seasonal employee at HMV last Christmas a woman came to my till wanting to exchange a book she had bought. The thing is, she had no receipt and this book had absolutely no stickers on it to show where she had bought it from. Absolutely nothing. When I told her that I couldn't do anything with it because there was no proof of purchase she asked:
"Can't you exchange it as a gesture of goodwill?"
I calmly explained to her that HMV was a large, nationwide company and that it didn't care about goodwill, only money. She said:
"But you could do it and no-one would know, right?"
I actually laughed at her and told her that I only cared about finishing my day, getting paid and going home to drink some booze.
She left rather angry but I had a good laugh with the other employees later on.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.